Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Richards Oddly Survive 2016

Somehow both Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Richards have escaped the grips of death in 2016.
Somehow both Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Richards have escaped the grips of death in 2016.

Although there are a few days remaining in the year, veteran and aging rockers Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne seem to have done what other popular musicians have not been able to do: escape 2016 alive. There have been several theories floated by both critics and fans over the past few weeks about why the grim reaper seems to have bypassed these two icons, but all of their followers agree they are glad they’re still around.

“It’s hard to say what the real reason is,” said Sarah Wright [63] of Wilmington, Massachusetts who’s been a lifelong Rolling Stones fan. “2016 has been such a terrible year for celebrity deaths. But not Keith. I suppose it’s a special combination of liquor, drugs, and genes that’s holding him together. Ozzy? I have no idea. That’s gotta be just lucky.”

Both popular music artists over the years have had numerous problems with drugs and alcohol, leading many to believe that neither would make it out of the 1970s alive. But to the surprise of many, including both Mr. Richards and Ozzy, they not only survived but also continued to tour and have fruitful recording careers to this day.

“When Ozzy left Sabbath, I thought he’d be dead in a few months,” commented Jerry “The Rat” Bennig [66] of Twin Falls, Idaho and a lifelong Black Sabbath and Ozzy fan. “But then he popped up with Randy Rhoads and shit. I need to figure out what’s keeping him alive. [expletive deleted], we all need to figure it out. Maybe he’s like an alien or something? You know, one of those lizard people? I’ve lived a life just like Ozzy, and now I have diabetes, am blind in one eye and need help taking a crap.”

Scientists have been unable to provide a simple explanation for their longevity. Even doctors at New York City’s Longevity Institute, a clinic that provides special regimes to wealthy clients like Donald Trump, have no idea what’s keeping them from dying.

“Here at the Institute, we provided targeted and aggressive approaches to reduce the effects of aging,” said attending physician Dr. Michael A. Holstein. “And to be perfectly honest, some of our more–how shall I say?–‘creative’ clients have specifically asked for the Keith Richards plan. Of course, we don’t have such a thing, nor would we recommend a lifestyle reflective of either rock star.”

It’s hard to say what 2017 will bring, but one thing is for sure, according to fans of both rock artists, they believe Ozzy and Keith Richards have staying power beyond what most people would consider normal.

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Dave Weber
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Dave Weber

Organic low fat heart healthy diets?

jay king
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jay king

kieth stopped using hard drugs years ago. he now consumes social amounts of alcohol, cannabis, and an anti siezure drug from a brain injury. although he was close to death a number of times,, years of hard drugs was taking the music from him. he decided he liked music and living more than drugs. yes, he’s a survivor. yes he’s his own man. no he doesnt givbe a f*ck what any of us thinkabout him.

Dune Finkleberry
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Dune Finkleberry

Wasn’t it Keith that fell out of that tree when he was on vacation years ago? When it happened, I wondered wtf a 65 year old guy is doing climbing trees?

Then I remembered it was Keith Richards. And don’t even get me started on Ozzy snorting a line of fire ants.

jay king
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jay king

or kieth snorting his dads ashes

Dune Finkleberry
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Dune Finkleberry

Ah. Good times!