Although there are a few days remaining in the year, veteran and aging rockers Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne seem to have done what other popular musicians have not been able to do: escape 2016 alive. There have been several theories floated by both critics and fans over the past few weeks about why the grim reaper seems to have bypassed these two icons, but all of their followers agree they are glad they’re still around.
“It’s hard to say what the real reason is,” said Sarah Wright  of Wilmington, Massachusetts who’s been a lifelong Rolling Stones fan. “2016 has been such a terrible year for celebrity deaths. But not Keith. I suppose it’s a special combination of liquor, drugs, and genes that’s holding him together. Ozzy? I have no idea. That’s gotta be just lucky.”
Both popular music artists over the years have had numerous problems with drugs and alcohol, leading many to believe that neither would make it out of the 1970s alive. But to the surprise of many, including both Mr. Richards and Ozzy, they not only survived but also continued to tour and have fruitful recording careers to this day.
“When Ozzy left Sabbath, I thought he’d be dead in a few months,” commented Jerry “The Rat” Bennig  of Twin Falls, Idaho and a lifelong Black Sabbath and Ozzy fan. “But then he popped up with Randy Rhoads and shit. I need to figure out what’s keeping him alive. [expletive deleted], we all need to figure it out. Maybe he’s like an alien or something? You know, one of those lizard people? I’ve lived a life just like Ozzy, and now I have diabetes, am blind in one eye and need help taking a crap.”
Scientists have been unable to provide a simple explanation for their longevity. Even doctors at New York City’s Longevity Institute, a clinic that provides special regimes to wealthy clients like Donald Trump, have no idea what’s keeping them from dying.
“Here at the Institute, we provided targeted and aggressive approaches to reduce the effects of aging,” said attending physician Dr. Michael A. Holstein. “And to be perfectly honest, some of our more–how shall I say?–‘creative’ clients have specifically asked for the Keith Richards plan. Of course, we don’t have such a thing, nor would we recommend a lifestyle reflective of either rock star.”
It’s hard to say what 2017 will bring, but one thing is for sure, according to fans of both rock artists, they believe Ozzy and Keith Richards have staying power beyond what most people would consider normal.