Pardoned White House Turkey Commits Suicide

The annually pardoned White House turkey sadly committed suicide this week under curious circumstances.
The annually pardoned White House turkey sadly committed suicide this week under curious circumstances.

Washington D.C. — A beloved tradition took place this week was the annual pardoning of the turkey by the President. Every year the President chooses two turkeys that are pardoned and spared becoming Thanksgiving dinner. The tradition began in the 1940’s, but did not become an annual tradition until 1989 under President George H.W. Bush.

This years pardoned Turkey’s named ‘Peas’ and his sibling Carrots were selected out of the 50 million turkeys served around dinner tables nationwide. They joined the ceremony after traveling from South Dakota to Washington D.C.

But this turkey fairytale did not end happily ever after.

Early this morning Peas was found hanging by his neck in his outdoor enclosure. A note was found nearby, but was indecipherable. The President is promising a full investigation into the apparent suicide.

White House Investigation Specialist Tom Harbaugh spoke to us about the investigation.

“At this time we are unsure if this was a suicide or simply an accidental asphyxiation during masturbation,” said Harbaugh.

Popular actor David Carradine died in a similar manner, hanging himself in a closet to simulate choking during masturbation.

President Trump did not waste anytime releasing a statement regarding the possible suicide.

“It is a sad time that Peas was pardoned less than 24 hours ago, only to find himself on the white house menu today. It was rumored that Peas had information that could lead to a conviction of Hillary Clinton. Let us have a moment of silence in anticipation of dinner tonight.”

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of