Virginia Beach, VA — Long-time televangelist personality and host of the popular Christian Broadcast Network (CBN) show The 700 Club Pat Robertson made a startling announcement earlier this week when he proclaimed that his long life was in part due to the blessings of Jesus Christ, following a strict Christian lifestyle free from sin, and his daily regimen of drinking the “sweet, sweet blood of bastard liberal babies.” The controversial and unexpected comments were made during an interview on the Glenn Beck-run website The Blaze, which was celebrating the 38th Anniversary of The 700 Club.
“There is something to be said about following Jesus’ path. Not just talking about it, but really believing it and implementing that lifestyle every day,” said the beaming 87-year-old Pat Robertson speaking with The Blaze’s Jim Habernoff. However, things became increasingly awkward when Mr. Habernoff asked the elder Robertson what his secret was to staying so vibrant in his golden years. “Well, I’ll tell you, Jim, the real secret is the pure blood of sweet, sweet liberal babies. Preferably from unwed mothers, but not lesbians. A pint or so of pure bastard baby blood gives me the vitality I need to stay at the top of my game. I mean, it’s all there in Deuteronomy. The ancients did the same thing.”
When reached for comment, Christian Broadcast Network spokeswoman Bethany Millbright dismissed the comments, attributing the “brouhaha” to a larger conspiracy by the media to attack and bring down Christian Conservatives.
“Look, you people hate God, conservatives and anyone who dares speak out about faith-based reasoning,” said Ms. Millbright addressing a sea of television cameras during a hastily assembled press conference at CBN headquarters in Virginia Beach, VA. “Pat has always taught us to believe in what the Bible says, and that people will attack you mercilessly for our beliefs. This is just another example of the mainstream media manipulating what he said for their own purposes.”
The controversy didn’t end there. Later on in the interview, the topic shifted to the latest Fox News sexual harassment allegations that have led to the suspension of The Fox News Specialists host Eric Bolling.
“Males have a tendency to wander a little bit. And what you want to do is make a home so wonderful he doesn’t want to wander,” continued Mr. Robertson. “And what male hasn’t shared a picture of his privates to a woman. Perhaps if his wife had been doing her duty, this would have never happened. But there’s something even bigger going on. I’m not a conspiracy theorist but it’s so easy to see what’s being done. I think it’s a terrible shame. Fox had better cinch up, talk about gird up their loins and realize people are going after them. Anybody can send a salacious piece of literature.”
Officials are advising parents to keep their children away from Mr. Robertson.