North San Juan, CA — A North San Juan man has completed an exhaustive Internet study to show that all humans across the planet have something terrifying called “Chemtrail Breath.”

“There has been a lot of debate about Chemtrails on Facebook recently,” said Skyy Wolford from his North San Juan home. “So I decided to do some research to get to the bottom of it. You know, real science stuff. So I started measuring everyone’s breath at the local Sierra Super Stop.”

Mr. Wolford is not a scientist, nor does he have any scientific training. He did spend two semesters at Sierra College studying psychology until he decided “school was not right” for him. He retired to North San Juan to sell fake local crystals to Yuba River tourists that he sourced from Malaysia. Since retiring, Mr. Wolford has focused his attention on what he feels are the most pressing issues of the day: FEMA camps, the campaign to forcibly poison us with vaccinations, and of course chemtrails.

In his exhaustive, non-double blind, google-driven “study,” Mr. Wolford assembled over 67 webpages and YouTube videos that prove, in his words, “that chemtrails and chemtrail breath are real and happening right now.”

His sources included, various Youtube channels, Facebook comments, his Camptonville friend Phil and 56 “Chemtrail alert” websites including geoengineeringwatch.org (not a non-profit), aircrap.org (also not a non-profit site), chemtrails911.com (which innovatively combines the 9/11 terrorist attacks with chemtrail conspiracies) and the mother of all fear-factor websites the Canadian globalresearch.ca.

“Someone ranted on Facebook that chemtrails are actually contrails,” said an agitated Mr. Wolford. “And that our steamy breath on a cold day is like a contrail. So I discovered that when we exhale, we let out chemtrail gases like nitrogen, oxygen, CO2, coal ash and even argon! I was shocked. So that argument is invalid! Or valid. Whatever.”

Mr. Wolford plans on continuing his chemtrail research in his spare time, which is quite a bit given he is unemployed.

“I will continue to fight for humanity and the planet,” continued a sanctimonious Skyy Wolford. “These chemtrail deniers mean well with all their math and science, but I have the Internet proof to back up my claims.”

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Rhonny Glaser
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Rhonny Glaser

Did mr. Wellford himself say that he was selling fake crystals he actually got from Malaysia? I’m asking because it seems like so many of the statements in that article are derogatory actually ridiculing what he has to say. I find it odd that shortly before Prince’s death he was on television speaking of the chemtrails. So I guess he was a “conspiracy theorist” also? I am a female disabled veteran of the US Air Force I have a sound mind and let mr. Wellford is saying about FEMA camps, immunizations, all of it is true. The majority is the… Read more »

Akuffo96
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Akuffo96

Wont be long before the government makes this mysteriously “disappear” good job Mr. Wolford on bringing this to light!

Akuffo96
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Akuffo96

Wont be long before the government makes this mysteriously “disappear” good job Mr. Wolford on bringing this to light!

Jarek Banach
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Jarek Banach

Nitrogen and oxigen in our breath? What terrible polution! We will die of it! :O

Webmaster Tim
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And coal ash. You left out respiratory coal ash.

Geoff Offermann
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Geoff Offermann

LOL…suckers born every minute. Few of here.

Webmaster Tim
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Need a writing job?

Geoff Offermann
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Geoff Offermann

Haha…I appreciate sarcasm. I’m not very good at writing it.