Sacramento, CA — Affirming a California tradition as storied as the swallows to Capistrano or the leaked sex tape from a fading starlet, the State Water Resources Control Board issued a stock press release on Saturday morning affirming that the ongoing rainfall has had no measurable effect on the ongoing drought, nor is it expected to, ever.
Displaying a level of predictability heretofore only associated with Garfield cartoons and whooping cough outbreaks at area charter schools, the SWRCB wasted no time in advising the public to put aside any foolish thoughts they might have had that the current “precipitation event” could ease the parched state’s drought woes in even the most meager of possible ways.
“This is a really severe drought,” repeated SWRCB representative and noted master of the obvious, Marty “Moisture-Free” Seco for the five thousand, three-hundred fifty-sixth time in recent months. “It’s the kind of drought that’s not affected by rainfall or conservation measures, regardless of how extreme or heroic those measures may be. In the past, we used to say, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down. These days, it’s more like, ‘there’s no water, and y’all are totally fucked.’ I know that doesn’t rhyme, but I’m hoping the liberal application of profanity will help make it more memorable.”
Representatives of the powerful Westlands Water District in the Central Valley were quick to laud the SWRCB’s latest press release while simultaneously calling for renewed vigilance in the war on casual citizen watering. Westlands board member, Bigsby Grandville, offered his thoughts on the matter via the popular social media site and total time suck, Facebook: “Listen, if the rest of the state needs to suffer so a small group of San Joaquin valley farmers can continue to receive artificially cheap water, USDA crop subsidies, and below-market electricity rates, that’s just the price we all have to pay for freedom, which isn’t free, by the way. Check the bumper sticker on my Escalade if you don’t believe me. Holla!”
In a notable departure from previous SWRCB press releases, the most recent iteration included new language preempting any cessation to the drought, ever, regardless of whatever Ark-beckoning qualities a particular rainy season might possess. “Yes, from now on, it’s all drought, all the time,” Seco remarked. “Drought up your ass, in fact. This profanity thing is kinda fun.”
“Listen, it’s the only sensible thing to do,” Seco continued. Right now, we’ve still got swimming pools in Orange County that haven’t been filled since June. We’re even hearing of golf courses in Palm Springs that can only water their fairways every other day. So long as we continue to face these heartbreaking tales of pained humanity in the known desert that is Southern California, the drought will continue for Northern Californians and their ample rivers, lakes and reservoirs. For fucking ever.”
Gish Gallop weather guru, Giovanni Paredes, was unavailable for comment due to his bereavement over the death of Parker Sloanberg, even though Sloanberg is probably just entering Day 36 of being stuck in the Grass Valley traffic roundabout.