Polio Virus Optimistic About Trump Administration

The poliovirus announced during a CDC press conference that it was excited about a Trump Presidency.
The poliovirus announced during a CDC press conference that it was excited about a Trump Presidency.

In a rare press conference, the polio virus expressed great joy over the selection of Robert Kennedy Jr. to head Donald Trump’s commission on vaccine safety. Mr. Kennedy, who is the son of the late Robert “Bobby” Kennedy who was assassinated in 1968, is an outspoken critic of vaccinations and often mentioned as the leader in the anti-vaxx  movement. He is particularly critical of the ethyl-mercury-based vaccine preservative thimerosal which he claims has contributed to an “autism holocaust.” Despite the fact that thimerosal has not been included in any childhood vaccines in over 10 years, Mr. Kennedy continues to produce films and publications linking the preservative with autism.

“We really have a chance at a big comeback,” said the polio virus speaking out front of the Centers of Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. “With Robert Kennedy Jr. to run a vaccination review committee, there is a real possibility that we and other viruses could really have an impact on humanity. We don’t want to be too optimistic, but we’re thinking within a few years we could be a real dent in the human population.”

The fact that Mr. Kennedy is neither a scientist nor a doctor, is actually a plus for many who support limiting or eliminating vaccine schedules.

“It’s clear that pumping these vaccines into our children is poisoning them,” said Nevada City, CA resident Lisa Fellows has two unvaccinated children at Yuba River Charter School and advocated eliminating what she calls “toxic death shots” Ms. Fellows possesses neither medical or chemistry degrees. “The vaccines not only interfere with their natural immunity, they’re being exposed to all kinds of things like mercury. It’s simply not worth the risk. And we know what that means. Autism. And, um. Autism. RFK Jr. is the person who can finally change the tide. And while I didn’t vote for Trump, I applaud his selection.”

During a Republican debate Mr. Trump said that “I am totally in favor of vaccines, but I want smaller doses over a longer period of time.” And without any evidence to support his claim, he continued. “But you take this little beautiful baby, and you pump–I mean, it looks just like it’s meant for a horse, not for a child, and we’ve had so many instances, people that work for me. … [in which] a child, a beautiful child went to have the vaccine, and came back and a week later had a tremendous fever, got very, very sick, now is autistic.”

President-elect Trump has not clarified exactly which committee Mr. Kennedy will head.

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