Palo Alto, CA — The Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation has just published a 187 page study that found that Donald Trump’s recent triumph in the polling data suggests that America is finally realizing its asshole potential. The 2 month study, sponsored in part by People for a Better Today, which is a Progressive PAC, sought to understand why average Americans have become so infatuated with an asshole like Donald Trump or a political dimwit like Ben Carson.
“We had to do this one quick,” commented Robert Colvin, lead researcher at Rundex. “I mean, we usually have years to study these things. Anyhow, the data was unambiguous; Americans are quickly more asshole-like with each day. Please note that is not our term [referring to the word ‘asshole’], that’s the one used by the people we surveyed.”
According to the study, which interviewed over 4000 people with a standard deviation of .70711, most Americans are angry. Really angry. When asked what they are angry about, the answers varied, but Rundex summarized the top 8 common “angry items” that are turning average Americans into complete, unhinged assholes.
- Congress, with the exception of their Congress Member who was “doing an OK job despite the other assholes there.”
- The Internal Revenue Service
- Republicans: Democrats who are on welfare
- Democrats: Dumb Republicans and their endless supply of guns
- The dearth of decent daytime television
- Family Vacations
- Tie: Snooki/Caitlyn Jenner
Political consultants have known about these findings for quite sometime. In fact, the Trump campaign conducted a similar private study back in November of 2014, Gish Gallop has learned. Donald Trump’s handlers have been using the data to target specific “anger points” in the electorate, according to a former insider who chose to remain anonymous.
“Here’s the thing,” said the Trump insider. “Donald doesn’t believe in any of this crap that he says. He’s just targeting the topics that are going to whip-up the voters into a frenzy. That’s how he rolls. It has to be a ‘sure thing’ for him. Anyhow, once he has them all emotional and angry, he tells them what they want to hear. He just wants to be President, and he doesn’t really care about Mexico, China, immigration or whatever.”
Gish Gallop reached out to the Hillary Clinton campaign for comment and received this following email:
“I am sick and tired of all this talking about nothing. What does it matter? We have a country to run, and I intend to do that. I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base. That’s what this campaign is like. Sniper fire.”