Palo Alto, CA — The Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation has just published a 187-page study that found that Donald Trump’s recent triumph in the polling data suggests that America finally realizes its asshole potential. The 2-month study, sponsored in part by People for a Better Today, which is a Progressive PAC, sought to understand why average Americans have become so obsessed with an asshole like Donald Trump or a political dimwit like Ben Carson.
“We had to do this one quick,” commented Robert Colvin, lead researcher at Rundex. “I mean, we usually have years to study these things. Anyhow, the data was unambiguous; Americans are quickly more asshole-like with each day. Please note that it is not our term [referring to the word ‘asshole’], that’s the one used by the people we surveyed.”
According to the study, which interviewed over 4000 people with a standard deviation of .70711, most Americans are angry. Angry. When asked what they are mad about, the answers varied, but Rundex summarized the top 8 every day “angry items” that are turning average Americans into complete, unhinged assholes.
- Congress, except for their Congress Member, who was “doing an OK job despite the other assholes there.”
- The Internal Revenue Service
- Republicans: Democrats who are on welfare
- Democrats: Dumb Republicans and their endless supply of guns
- The shortage of decent daytime television
- Family Cruise Vacations
- Tie: Snooki/Caitlyn Jenner
Political consultants have known about these findings for quite some time. The Trump campaign conducted a similar private study back in November of 2014, Gish Gallop has learned. Donald Trump’s handlers have been using the data to target specific “danger points” in the electorate, according to a former insider who chose to remain anonymous.
“Here’s the thing,” said the Trump insider. “Donald doesn’t believe in any of this crap that he says. He’s just targeting the topics that are going to whip-up the voters into a frenzy. That’s how he rolls. It has to be a ‘sure thing’ for him. Anyhow, once he has them all emotional and angry, he tells them what they want to hear. He wants to be President, and he doesn’t care about Mexico, China, immigration, or whatever.”
Gish Gallop reached out to the Joe Biden campaign for comment and received this following email:
“I am sick and tired of all this talking about nothing. What does it matter? We have a country to run, and I intend to do that. I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead, we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base. That’s what this campaign is like. Sniper fire.”