Van Nuys, CA — Adult website aggregator Pornmd along with several Internet Service Providers sounded an alarm early this morning, which sent several “porn” and telecommunications companies’ stocks plummeting. According to multiple reports, the online porn industry is not prepared for the onslaught of employees forced to work-from-home due to the community spread of the COVID-19 coronavirus.

“I can only speak for our Pornhub network,” said Pornhub Director of Communication Bethany Millbright, “but we cannot take on gangs of new users. We’re expecting additional session spikes in the neighborhood of 420 million per day for each of our properties. That’s an increase of 42 times our normal traffic patterns.”

Ms. Millbright said that they’d notified both their advertising sponsors and hosting providers about the increased traffic, and said that there might be millions of more women in lonely men’s neighborhoods “just dying to meet them” due to a spike in ad serves. That is if the server infrastructure holds up.

“We are extremely concerned about our capacity in the coming weeks,” said Comcast/Xfinity Deputy Chief Technical Officer Balachandra Chidambaram speaking on an early morning conference call with investors and the press. “Our [cable] media cannot handle such large amounts of video streaming in such an abrupt way. We may be forced to throttle [limit] bandwidth to keep our systems online.”



News of the potential throttling sent Comcast and other Internet provider stocks down sharply, amounting to almost $1 billion in lost market value in less than an hour.

When news of what’s being called “the porn clot” reached the White House, President Trump claimed it was nothing more than “Fake News” from the communists’ news networks, the first time he has referred to the media in such a way.

“It’s all fake news folks,” said Mr. Trump said, making his way to his Marine One helicopter. “The Democrats would like nothing more than for this virus to bring me down. But let me tell you, we have the greatest economy in the history of this country and the is corunnavirus[sic] is not as bad as they say. it’s like a nasty cold for some people, and for some people, they’ll be just fine.”

Comcast and Pornmd say customers such expect excessive buffering of streaming media until the companies increase capacity, which might take months.