Portland, OR — Jake Mooney, 29, an unemployed kitchen helper, was rushed to the emergency room as non-responsive with a head injury yesterday after a shocking episode involving a sandwich.
According to Jake’s former girlfriend, Mary Lee, he passed out and struck his head when presented with a sandwich she had made.
“He said to me, ‘Woman, make me a sammich!’ and I just reacted. I didn’t like his tone. So I fixed him a sandwich he wouldn’t forget.”
The events leading up to the injury were justified in Ms. Lee’s opinion.
“He was sitting in the living room playing fucking ‘Call of Duty’ on his fucking X-Box One. He just sits there pushing the fucking buttons on the controller while I’m trying to update his fucking resume to help him find a fucking job.”
“When he called out ‘Woman!’ instead of my name, something snapped. I was so fucking angry that he would treat me like his fucking personal slave or servant, whatever… He was a lonely guy who needed a good woman in his life, and he was treating me like fucking shit.”
“So I went to the kitchen and fixed him his fucking sammich…”
Not Just Any Sandwich
Just not any sandwich, but a sandwich Ms. Lee calls the “Lorena Bobbitt Special.”
“Well, it’s open-faced. You wouldn’t see the design if there were two pieces of bread,” she explained.
Ms. Lee assembled the sandwich with an organic weisswurst sausage and two spicy meatballs, placed strategically on the bread to resemble a penis and testicles. At the base of the sausage and meatballs she dribbled ketchup to resemble blood.
The injury occurred when Ms. Lee presented the sandwich to Jake.
“He saw it on the plate and screamed like a little girl or something. He jumped up from his fucking gaming chair, and fell backwards onto the coffee table. He hit his head on the corner and I then had to call 911 because he fucking knocked himself out.”
Doctors said that Mr. Mooney had suffered a mild concussion from the blow to his head, but was released home after a few hours in the emergency room.
“That’s the last time I will ever date an incel, “ declared Ms. Lee. “I thought he would be grateful to have a woman in his life. They are nothing but fucking wimpy, snowflake cucks.”