President Obama Calls For Thoughts and Prayers Following Mass Coffee Attack

President Obama is calling for calm and tougher coffee machine laws, proposing a new EPA program.
President Obama is calling for calm and tougher coffee machine laws, proposing a new EPA program.

Dallas, TX — Yet another tragedy has struck today at a coffee shop in Dallas. 35 people were severely burned when a madman opened up on the patrons with an automatic coffee machine. The assailant Jorge Abbas was eventually taken in to custody after running out of coffee.

Police are still trying to figure out the motive for this horrible attack. They have stopped short of calling this Islamic Terrorism. Jorge Abbas is a devout Muslim illegal immigrant from Mexico who was granted asylum by President Obama via executive order, has a history of hate speech and showed signs of being radicalized by a hybrid what he called “exploitive coffee practices by Americans” and by various extremist ISIS videos he watched online.

Almost immediately after the attack, President Obama is calling for calm and tougher coffee machine laws, proposing a new EPA program called “Coffee Patriot Check.”

The Coffee Patriot Check will be a set of new coffee rules including a home coffee maker inspection, a background check with a 3 day waiting period and coffee maker license will also be required. The license will also be mandatory to purchase coffee from any coffee shop or dining establishment.

Gish Gallop spoke with a protester with the group, Mothers Against Hot Coffee (MAHC) Diane Witherspoon. She was protesting in front of a Starbucks in Ft. Worth.

“We have to do something now, think of all the hot coffee in our schools,” said a distraught Ms. Witherspoon. “We have an obligation as a society to protect citizens from all of this horrible weapon.”

As of this evening 20 of the 35 victims are still hospitalized with severe burns. All are expected to survive. While the assailant awaits arraignment in a Dallas jail. There will be a national moment of silence followed by a speech from President Obama tomorrow morning at 9am.

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Cleveland Sam
Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.