President Obama Nominates Self to Supreme Court

Obama Declares Himself Supreme Court Nominee
Obama Declares Himself Supreme Court Nominee

Washington, D.C. — In record time, President Obama has named a successor to the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) following the death of Supreme Court Justice, Anthony Scalia.

“In times like these, the nation must come together to grieve what it has lost,” said Obama in a press conference today, “and the best way to move forward is to fill the void as soon as possible and let the nation get back to business. To that end, I nominate, me. Barack Obama.”

Obama faces an uphill battle with his nomination, as the Republican-controlled House and Senate had pledged to block his nomination before knowing who it was.

“Obviously it didn’t matter who Obama nominated or what his qualifications were,” said Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, “there’s no way we would ever cooperate or in any way be reasonable. Now that Obama has nominated himself, well, there’s just no way this will ever even come to a vote.”

Several prominent liberals have cheered the move, focusing on Obama’s clear positions on contentious social issues likely to face the court in the next decade.

“President Obama took his time getting on board with the gay rights movement, but he’s there now and that’s what’s important,” said MSNBC host Rachel Maddow. “In the upcoming years we expect to see challenges to Citizens United, and we know Obama is on the right side of that issue,” she continued, referring to the Supreme Court case that declared corporations equal to citizens, thus removing many barriers to enormous campaign contributions.

While it’s unclear as to how President Obama expects this to end, what is clear is this will have a massive impact on the 2016 Presidential election.

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.
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Matthew Ebert
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Cheney set the precedent when he nominated himself for VP. Except that really happened, if that’s any lesson for you.