President Obama Pardons Bill Cosby

WASHINGTON - DECEMBER 23: U.S. President Barack Obama signs the payroll tax bill in the Oval Office December 23, 2011 in Washington, DC. Democrats and Republicans on both sides of the capitol came to an agreement to extend the tax cuts which will stop a two percent increase in pay-roll taxes, prevent doctors from taking a cut in Medicare payments as well as extending unemployment benefits. (Photo by Dennis Brack-Pool/Getty Images)
Barack Obama signs a Presidential Pardon for Bill Cosby.

Washington, D.C. — In a startling announcement via executive order, President Obama has pardoned Bill Cosby from any wrongdoing after being charged with the sexual assault of a Temple University employee in 2004. The move, which caught everyone including Bill Cosby off guard, takes effect immediately. Even though the evidence was strong, President Obama felt compelled to pardon the famous comedian of all current and future charges.

Not since the pardon of Jimmy Hoffa in 1971 has an action drawn so much criticism. Hoffa entered jail in 1967, but only served a few years before President Richard Nixon commuted his sentence. The offer of clemency came with the condition that Hoffa would no longer participate in Teamsters activities, but critics argued it also involved a backroom deal that the union would support Nixon’s reelection campaign. But Hoffa wasn’t charged with such horrific charges.

“Why am I not surprised that our Muslim-in-Chief had the balls to do this,” said Penn Valley activist Brock Whalen from his Lake Wildwood home. “I guess we shouldn’t be so surprised that he pardoned Cosby. Maybe he’s a closet Muslim too. They stick together against the infidels and it’s OK to lie to them.”

Gish Gallop reached out to Mr. Cosby for comment, but we were provided with the following press release.

“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos. People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos. And just because I’ve received a Presidential pardon, doesn’t mean I’m guilty of anything. To the contrary, it shows I’m innocent.”