Washington, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump and Secondary First Lady Melania Trump took time out of their schedules to honor victims of what the president called “one of the worstest, bigliest sad moments in American history.”
Standing in front of a convenience store just a few blocks away from the White House, President Trump laid a wreath of flowers and paper coffee cups in front of the store. He solemnly placed his hand over his heart as he asked Melania to get out her smartphone and play “the country song.” Mrs. Trump did as she was asked, and the National Anthem began playing from the phone. After it was finished, Trump gave a few remarks.
“You know, when I became president,” Trump began, “everyone said that honoring those who fell on that fateful day 16 years ago would be the toughest and most rewarding experience in the first year of my administration. And they were not wrong.”
Trump said he would “never forget” the day the attacks, which were the reason for the ceremony he was holding, took place.
“I was watching TV in my Trump Tower apartment,” Trump told those gathered, “and I remember seeing that we had been attacked. Then, and I’ll never forget this, I saw probably sixteen or seventeen thousand Muslims dancing and cheering in the streets! In America! From my balcony, no less!”
At one point, it became clear that Trump may have been a bit confused.
“The one thing I wasn’t sure of,” Trump said, “was whether it was just the one 7/11 that was attacked, or if it was a coordinated attack. It really bothered me, not knowing, so when I was sworn in, the first thing I did was instruct my staff to gather all the intelligence, all the classified and unclassified information we have on the attacks, and bring it to me so that I could study it.”
Trump said he was “surprised and shocked” to find out that none of the intelligence he saw pointed to a Slurpee conspiracy. And none of the information he was provided gave clues to figuring out if a Big Gulp cabal was used, or if the terrorists who perpetrated the attack bought “any of those weird hot dog things they sell there.”
“I know what I know, and I know what I saw,” Trump said, “on that day we’ll all never forget. But yet, nothing that I was given had anything to do with 7-11 convenience stores. What the fuck? What is this, some kind of satirical news story just written to justify a joke about how dumb I am in real life, and the satirist ran out of steam halfway through this paragraph and now he’s just literally typing in a stream of consciousness way, just letting whatever dumb shit hits his brain get out there without any filter? Well, in that regard he’d be acting just like me, wouldn’t he? So did he just Inception this shit? Who’s speaking right now? Me, or him? Oh fuck it, I’m going to go in there and buy sixteen rolled taco meat things and jam in them all in my mouth at once because life is a sad, cold, dark void.”