Pump-up Your Crappy Ranch Dressing, by Loretta Splitair

Loretta Splitair, Gish Gallop's Culture Critic.
Loretta Splitair, Gish Gallop’s Culture Critic.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, in America people love Ranch Dressing. Not everyone likes it, but most do. And those that do, they like it a lot. They eat it with everything. And in some households, it’s replaced ketchup as the go-to cover-up condiment for picky child eaters. And, I must say, I think that’s a slight culinary improvement.

But let’s say you’re a typical busy family and you don’t have time to make Ranch Dressing from scratch. And by scratch, I mean from the flavor packet, because let’s be honest, you’re not gonna keep buttermilk around in your refrigerator, right?

So I have a have a helpful tip on how to turn a cheap bottled version of Ranch Dressing into something actually interesting. Now before I begin, even the most numbskull home cook needs an immersion mixer (here’s a cheap, but good one: Proctor-Silex 59738 Hand Blender). You will quickly find that this is the most useful gadget in your kitchen.

So here’s the tip, and frankly I could have told you in the first paragraph but we need to pay the rent here at Gish Gallop.


  • 1 Bottle of shitty Ranch Dressing. Note: you can use fancier ones to greater effect, but this is about making your dollar stretch. So it’s perfectly OK to use crap brands.
  • 1 Bottle/Jar of Canned/pickled sliced jalapeños


Take the entire bottle of crappy Ranch Dressing, and dump it into a large mixing bowl or large measuring cup (my favorite). Then add about 5-10 sliced jalapeño peppers. You can add more or less, but the ranch dressing tends to mute the pepper flavor. I tend to error on more than less, but I would start with less and taste as you go.

Remember, peppers will colonize the flavor of whatever you’re working with quicker than the US Government does with a third world country. So take it easy.

Using your immersion mixer, blend that shit up until all the peppers have been pulverized into the dressing.

That’s it. I have nothing else to say. Enjoy it.


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