Washington, D.C. — A secret executive order from president Trump which instructed the military to “bomb ISIS with bacon” has been deemed a colossal failure by central military command. According to sources in the White House and the Pentagon who wished to remain anonymous, Trump signed executive order 45312 authorizing the military “wipe those son-of-a-bitches out with pork.”
It’s unclear How Mr. Trump came to the conclusion that attacking the Islamic State with pork products would somehow retard their operational abilities, but according to experts, we can find clues from the conspiracy wing of the Republican party.
“Well just look on social media,” said Professor James Badwater of the University of Chicago’s Badwater Institute of Public Policy. “There is a significant population that only sees a culture through their foods. And in this case, food taboos of Muslims. Of course, there’s that popular myth about General Pershing pouring pigs’ blood on Muslim rebels in the early Twentieth Century. It just feeds America’s ignorance of Islam.”
The report, released earlier this week, was highly critical of the operation but made it clear that the blame lied in the hands of the executive order, and not with operational efforts in Syria and Northern Iraq where most of the “pork bombings” occurred.
“We were kinda taken aback by the directive from the President,” said Middle East Commander General Daft “The Draft” Hawkins, “but it came directly from him. At first, we didn’t know how much bacon we’d need to drop on their strongholds. So we tried several hundred thousands of tons. That did nothing. In fact, our intel reports suggested they were eating it.”
Most troubling, according to the report, is that eating large amounts of the animal protein actually aided the physical strength of ISIS members, who had spent months and in some cases years on the verge of starvation.
“Well, to be honest, we stopped the campaign about two weeks into it because it was becoming obvious it wasn’t working,” continued General Daft. “But that’s a lot of calories to give your enemies. And guess what, when you’re starving to death, bacon looks pretty good, you know?”
There have been no further comments from the White House.