Reporter Dismayed by Lack of Racism at Trump Rally

High School reporter Jim Patterson at a recent South Carolina Trump rally.
High School reporter Jim Patterson at a recent South Carolina Trump rally.

Columbia, SC — Budding journalist and African-American high school student Jim Patterson recently attended a rally in support of presidential candidate Donald Trump, only to find a shocking lack of overt racism.

“No one called me the N word. No one called me a coon,” he said dejectedly. “I expected people to be pretty racist based on what the media and some of my friends are saying, but everyone there was perfectly friendly.”

Patterson went on to describe how refreshing it was to repeatedly greet people and have them look away or otherwise avoid him, something he noticed they didn’t do to other white people, but in no way subtly implied racism.

“The way everyone smiled and shook hands with complete strangers of the same skin pigmentation while visibly fidgeting when I approached them until they could figure out how to leave really made me realize how bias the media is against white people.”

Regarding the policies Trump discussed, Patterson was likewise happy to report a distinct lack of racism.

“When Trump tells a group of overwhelmingly white people that Mexicans are ruining the country, you can feel the positive energy fill the room as they all cheer. It would be really awkward if Mexicans were a poor minority group with very little representation in places like corporate boardrooms and non-local governments, but that’s not what’s happening,” he laughed. “And I never once heard him use the word ‘spic,’ so he obviously isn’t racist.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.