Republican Base Looking for Next Asshole to Support

Republicans are looking for their next saint.
Republicans are looking for their next saint. Source: Michael Vadon

Newport Beach, CA — Anticipating the need for a right-wing hero to replace Donald Trump, rank-and-file Republicans around the country have reportedly begun searching for the next huge asshole to canonize.

“Well let’s see,” said James Deen of Los Angeles, California, “in the last few years we’ve bounced around from that guy who chased a black teenager down and shot him to death for wearing a hoodie in his neighborhood, to the chick who got divorced a bunch of times but wouldn’t let gays marry because of some Bible stuff. Then there was that old Bundy rancher guy who made millions grazing cattle on public land and refusing to pay for it.”

“Yeah that last guy turned out to be pretty racist, but I’m pretty sure no one saw that coming,” he added.

The base seems, according to Anya Ivy, PhD and professor of Sociology at UCLA, to be looking to maintain the same focus that it currently enjoys after Donald Trump fades from the news.

“Trump is the king asshole,” she said. “He’s clearly a rallying point for all of America’s assholes who feel they’ve not been heard over the last few years, or even decades. The question becomes ‘who can take the asshole baton after Trump?'”

While this may seem trivial to non-assholes, many Americans are genuinely concerned that momentum will splinter, and the core of assholes supporting Trump will dilute their ability to punish uppity minority groups via discriminatory legislation, or say horrible things without repercussions.

“This is a serious problem,” complained Deen. “We can probably find another Republican willing to make fun of handicapped people, and obviously there’s no shortage of leaders trying to disenfranchise the poor, but to find someone who embodies everything ugly about the human condition in one big, shitty package … that’s truly rare.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.