Washington, D.C — In the aftermath of Donald Trump’s shaky performance in the first two Presidential debates, along with his percentage in the polls on the decline, and several of his fellow Republicans withdrawing their support of his candidacy after video footage of him having a sexually explicit conversation about women with former Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush surfaced, it appears that his loss in the upcoming Presidential Election is a foregone conclusion.
Perhaps none are more aware of this predicament than a team of influential Republican strategists in Washington, D.C. who claim to already have the perfect candidate for the GOP to run in 2020.
“It appears that the typical Republican voter doesn’t care about much outside of keeping taxes and spending down,” remarked Orel Twitt of Wheeling, Virginia, who heads the team of strategists. “By the same token, Donald Trump has been alienating numerous important voter bases we have been trying to reach — blacks, Latinos, women, veterans, you name it. It’s not likely that we will recapture the White House this year, as the Republican brand, along with the party’s reputation has been really dragged through the mud by Donald Trump over the course of this election cycle. With that in mind, we feel it is time to run a kinder, gentler, more acceptable candidate in the next election, which is why four years from now, we are going to try to run a Petri dish of ebola virus for President.”
The ebola virus originated in Africa and was named after the Ebola River in the Democratic Republic of the Congo upon its discovery in 1976. Within two to twenty-one days after being infected by the virus, humans begin experiencing fever, sore throat, muscular pain, headaches and a rash followed by vomiting, diarrhea, decreased liver and kidney function and internal and external bleeding. On average, roughly half of people infected die from the virus six to sixteen days after symptoms appear, usually as a result of low blood pressure due to fluid loss.
“We’ve sure had enough of the Obama virus,” said Twitt, laughing. “I don’t know about you, but he sure makes me sick. Besides, Obama virus, ebola virus — it rhymes… Kinda… almost…”
When asked about the risks, Kent Nasty of Durham, North Carolina replied that precautions would be taken to avoid exposing voters to infection.
“We’ll keep the candidate under glass when he makes appearances. It’s the only way to do it. Though we might could let him, uh, do a goodwill tour of some black and Latino neighborhoods.”
“That’ll give us an advantage on Election Day,” chuckled Twitt.
Next, Mr. Nasty fielded a question from Gish Gallop about the virus being sentient enough to make policy decisions.
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” said Nasty with a confident smile and a twinkle in his eyes. “The last time the Republicans were in the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney was making all the decisions for George W. Bush. Besides, at least we won’t have a candidate who will get himself into trouble by saying derogatory things about women the way Donald Trump has.”
Nasty also pointed out another advantage of running the ebola virus for President.
“The Centers for Disease Control is one federal agency the government has spent too much money on. If we run the ebola virus for President, we can take steps to disband them on the grounds that they would be a threat to national security as they would pose a danger to the President. This would enable us to scale back the size of the government and save the American taxpayers their hard-earned dollars.”
“We could also gain votes among vaccine deniers and among the libertarians,” added Twitt. “And you know, this just might be the ticket to getting rid of that dadgum God-awful Obamacare.”