Washington D.C. — The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) today released the latest figures on job growth, reporting a slight drop in unemployment. This left the official number at 4.9%, prompting leading Republicans to scramble for ways to shit on President Obama.
“The problem with that number is it doesn’t include people who’ve dropped out of the workforce because they just can’t find a job,” said Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. “Obviously this has been a well-understood imperfection in the measuring of unemployment for decades, but it’s critical to my divisive narrative to point it out weekly now that a Democrat is in office,” he continued before adding, “Buy my book.”
“I think it’s important we recognize that the president has contributed NOTHING to job growth in America,” shouted presidential contender Donald Trump. “If anything Obamacare has made it more difficult to hire people. I have hundreds of anecdotes to back this up.”
“What’s key to understanding President Obama’s role in this is understanding that the office of president has no direct influence over job creation,” wept ex-Speaker of the House John Boehner. “I would argue that wages have stayed flat under Obama, and that’s a result of his policies,” he contradicted, ignoring that the BLS reported wages rose slightly on average.
When asked how they felt about unemployment officially falling to less than half of its 2009 peak, the Republican leadership unanimously stated that it was, as one aide described it, “sort of good I guess, but mostly fuck Obama.”