Washington D.C. — Donald Trump today announced the “bigliest, bestest, most tremendous health care plan ever” would be called “Conservative American Care Act” or CACA to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA). The Republicans in Congress are busily preparing CACA PowerPoint presentations, but the smooth release has been impacted because of committee retention.
“This bill is taking too long to pass and we are straining with every fiber of our being to get it out,” said one committee member. “And when it does, we know it will make a big splash.”
Democrats were not so enthused.
“As soon as this flushes out of committee, we plan to take samples from it for close examination,” said an anonymous representative.
Despite the secrecy around the plan, Gish Gallop received leaked CACA details late last night from an unnamed source:
- Under CACA, there is no more coverage of pre-existing conditions, allowing insurance companies drop you from coverage faster than a speeding bullet. Gunshot wounds will now be classified as a pre-existing condition because you should have seen that bullet coming.
- CACA eliminates minimal standards of care. Insurers will pay for a band-aid for that dangling, partially severed limb, but only if they feel like it!
- Insurers with CACA can drop you from coverage whenever you get sick, for any reason! Freedom!
- CACA eliminates those pesky high-risk pools, which are for sissies who can’t afford to pay for their catastrophic illnesses. They should mortgage their house or cash out their life insurance policies. Renters, you can just suck it up. Sell your luxury items like microwave, refrigerator, and children first before you even apply.
- CACA kicks off those lazy kids from their parents’ coverage. Especially disabled ones. Bootstraps, yo!
Congressional Republicans are hopeful that President Trump will sign CACA for a smooth transition from committee as soon as some colons in the draft language are corrected. As the details dribble out, Democrats are waiting for the CACA’s committee clogs to clear before letting the Republicans dump it on the public with no rebuttal.
“This bill will be big. This bill will be explosive,” said President Trump. “Everybody, and I mean that Everybody will be covered.”