North San Juan, CA — North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that Area 51 is an elaborate hoax and does not exist. Mr. Wolford, who was recently in the news following his landmark Wi-Fi disability settlement, has been studying what he calls “the Area 51 anomaly” for the past 3 years.
“There’s this thing I learned on the Internet called the Bielefeld effect,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Wolford in a telephone interview. “It’s where there’s this illusion that someplace actually exists. People talk about it. They even claim to know people there. But it’s all fake. They’re either part of the conspiracy to keep the hoax alive, or they’re delusional. What’s even more interesting, is that this effect has become more pronounced after Donald Trump made a so-called visit at the fictitious facility. Really interesting, eh? Think about how far this conspiracy goes up the chain of command.”
The Bielefeld effect, also known as the Bielefeld conspiracy, spread in 1994 on the German Usenet, which claimed that the city of Bielefeld does not exist, but is an illusion propagated by various Illuminati forces. Initially an internet phenomenon, the effect has since spread to other hoaxes like Area 51. To this day German Chancellor Angela Merkel, refers to Bielefeld in her speeches, even though the city doesn’t exist.
Area 51 is supposedly a secret U.S. Air Force military installation located at Groom Lake in southern Nevada. The site is administered by Edwards Air Force Base in Southern California. The installation has been the focus of numerous conspiracies involving extraterrestrial life, though its only confirmed use is as a flight testing facility. We attempted to contact the Federal government on three occasions to verify its existence, each time we were told not to call back. This makes Mr. Wolford’s observations seem less crazy.
“Look,” continued Mr. Wolford, “It’s effortless to prove that Area 51 doesn’t exist. All you have to do is answer these three questions. Number one. Do you know anyone from Area 51? Two. Have you ever been to Area 51? And lastly, number three. Do you know anybody who has ever been to Area 51? And don’t say The Clintons. Everyone always says The Clintons.”
We reached out to Mr. Wolford’s local community and asked them his three questions.
“Area 51 is not a real place. Google it, and you will find out for yourself! I lived in Rachel [Nevada] and drove to where Area 51 was supposed to be,” said Christopher J. Rushin who currently lives in nearby Grass Valley, “I’ve been there, and there’s nothing there but hills and dirt and a few people and shit. No signs of aliens or UFOs whatsoever.”
Others were more philosophical about the hoax, maintaining that they might have only dreamed about the city.
“I’ve been near Area 51, and now that I think about it, it probably doesn’t exist,” commented Justin Anderson of Penn Valley, CA. “The place did seem too perfect, like a dream or something.”
Still, others were a part of the conspiracy calling people who believe such things “stupid idiots.”
“I’m a truck driver. I live in Las Vegas, and I get many shipments into and out of Groom Lake for the Military,” said a Nevada truck driver Don “Dredge” Smith, a fact that bolsters his status as a Mossad/CIA operative, according to Mr. Wolford “As a matter of fact, my wife grew up in shack around Area 51. So for you to even state it doesn’t exist as a base, whatever y’all want to call it, makes me believe you are an idiot. Or a troll. Or a Trump supporter.”
As for Mr. Wolford, he gave us an old “I told you so.”
“Nice try,” continued Mr. Wolford. “You thought I was making this up, didn’t ya? Well, now you know what I know. As soon as you run into someone who was a Mossad operative, they immediately start calling you an idiot for calling out the Area 51 hoax. But you get used to it after a while. Your skin gets tough with this thing I like to call, ‘The Truth.'”