Rick Perry’s Meteoric Rise From the Ashes

Post-Presidential candidate Rick Perry is trying out a variety of new careers
Post-Presidential candidate Rick Perry is trying out a variety of new careers

Austin, TX — Former Texas Governor and two-time U.S. Presidential candidate Rick Perry has made good headway in the last few weeks brushing up on a couple of career paths about which he knows absolutely nothing.

“I heard you have to be smart to be a brain surgeon, but after meeting Ben Carson, I realized I could probably do brain surgery…if that dummy can,” explains Perry in a telephone interview with Gish Gallop. “And Trump was notoriously bad at real estate speculation, requiring taxpayer bailouts every few years. I figure I can do a hell of a lot better than that.”

Rick Perry claims he can do anything having been a door-to-door book salesman, a C-130 pilot, Congressman, and Agriculture Commissioner as well as being Governor of a “really big State.”

“Look, I have more executive experience than anyone in the GOP running for the presidency, and the voters didn’t want me,” continued Perry.  “They want someone who knows absolutely nothing about the job but who will surround themselves with so-called good people. The three front-runners, Trump, Carson, and Fiorina know absolutely nothing about being President. I could have started strong on day one without waiting for a group of people to tell me what to do. GOP voters just really want an idiot to run the country. Man, they wanted a plumber at one point! Such is life…”

Rick Perry suspended his campaign for the presidency on September 11th of this year. Mr. Perry did not lose heart, though. He saw business opportunities ahead.

“I got to thinking, if a job as hard as the president can be done by someone who knows nothing about the job, provided they have a good team, then any job can be done if you surround yourself with the right people.”

He seems to be right. Mr. Perry completed his first successful pediatric neurosurgery only yesterday, and he was still riding high as of the time of our interview.

Hi, I'm former Texas Governor Rick Perry. I'll be working on your brain this afternoon.
Hi, I’m former Texas Governor Rick Perry. I’ll be working on your brain this afternoon.

“Oh, sure. I was nervous, but I had a good crew of neurosurgeons around me to give me pointers. And to see that 11-year-old girl able to survive because of what my hands did, what a beautiful thing!” He is referring to 11-year-old Laqueesha Jackson whose life he saved by single-handedly removing a malignant tumor from the girl’s amygdala. “I had good people all around me during the operation. I’m a good listener, and they got me through that intense surgery. I didn’t know I had it in me.”

Mr. Perry has also started a new business venture he has named RP Properties, LLC. He has appointed himself as president and CEO.

“I finally get to be president of something,” Perry joked, “and, I’m doing pretty good at it. I just acquired a $40 million dollar development, using money borrowed from investors, and turned around and sold it for $150 million. I have paid back all the loans with interest and haven’t needed to burden the taxpayers whatsoever. What the hell was Trump doing? What sort of loser fails at this kind of work? The guy really must be an idiot.”

As of this writing, Rick Perry is signing papers to become CEO of Hewlett-Packard and Director of Neuroscience at Johns-Hopkins University Medical.

“I wish I knew this before. What Trump knows. You don’t have to know a damn thing about the job until you get it. You can learn from those around you in real-time if you are a good listener, like me. Carly [Fiorina] just isn’t a good listener. Don’t elect that horrible person. She destroyed HP. I’m going to save it, because why? Because I know how to listen.”

We asked Mr. Perry if he has plans to run for president again. I mean, he still seems pretty young.

“No, those days are done for me. I built up a lifetime of experience to make me qualified to be president. I think I’m going to pursue my latest passion of just landing jobs that I am thoroughly unqualified for.”

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