Highlights of the turmoil in Baltimore
- There has been a mass run on toilet paper leading to rioting.
- Other paper products are also in short supply.
- There is no threat to the toilet paper supplies in Nevada County.
- FEMA director W. Craig Fugate has promised emergency toilet paper deliveries because his college roomie is a bigwig at the Scott Paper Company.
- Someone mentioned something about the police murdering an unarmed citizen.
- Citizens are being told to stay inside and wipe with their left land; eat with their right one.
- The Baltimore police are blaming gangs whose names they can not pronounce.
- Video below featuring a dumbass
Baltimore, MD — A state of emergency has been declared in Baltimore as the city transforms into ‘an absolute war zone’ following complete exhaustion of all toilet paper supplies. More than 1,000 police officers and the Maryland National Guard are arriving in the city and the president has been briefed on the situation as violence continues to escalate.
“We are trying to keep the situation under control,” said Anthony W. Batts, the Police Commissioner of the Baltimore Police Department. “This is a dicey situation and I want the people of Baltimore to understand that there’s more toilet paper on the way. So please stay inside, conserve your toilet paper, and do not venture outside until supplies arrive.”
Apparently the riots started after a CVS pharmacy had a run on toilet paper. As word got out that toilet paper and other paper product supplies were dwindling, a panic broke out which lead to what is now being called the “great toilet paper riot of 2015.” Others were not convinced that toilet paper was to blame.
The Baltimore police released a statement saying gangs, including the Black Guerilla Family, Bloods and Crips, were partnering to “take out” law enforcement in light of the funeral of Freddie Gray, the 25-year-old who died of a severe spinal cord injury after police, in effect, murdered him.
For others, they are just concerned on how they’re going to wipe their asses now that toilet paper supplies are gone.
“What am I supposed to do? Wait for Obama to come and wipe my ass?” Questioned Baltimore resident Jermaine Smith in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “We’re all out. And if I go outside, the police are gonna kill me too.”
As for when the emergency toilet paper will arrive, FEMA director W. Craig Fugate was quick to respond to media queries due to the agency’s poor past performance.
“If a toilet paper shortage strikes, we can blame the president for not being there,” said Mr. Fugate in a prepared statement. “We can blame Congress and FEMA; we can blame the state governments; but in the end, it’s the mayors and the local city governments that have to be prepared for emergencies and be prepared to act. However, my old college roomie works for Scott Paper company. And we’re gonna get a huge truckload of Snuggle Toilet paper there by tomorrow.”