Washington D.C. — Breaking news from the White House as an anonymous agent at the NSA confirms through legal wiretapping of Trump’s personal microwave, that another piece of evidence on the Russia/Trump Collusion Case has been uncovered.
According to the tip off from the NSA, Russia has been manufacturing bootleg hair growth formula from “all natural ingredients” including goat urine and chimpanzee sputum and labeling it as Rogaine for sales within the United States. Specifically, these sales lead directly to Trump and the White House, as stated in the NSA briefing. The briefing states that these sales were heavily discounted for reasons vaguely described in a coded encryption as “Hush Bribes”. Cryptography experts are still working out what these codes mean.
Upon receiving this briefing Gish Gallop tasked me, resident crazy cat lady Ashley Johnson, to go to the White House to find further intelligence on this illegal hair growth formula and its connection to President Donald Trump. The Management at Gish Gallop was happy to lend their old helicopter they had lying around behind the offices stuffed between memorabilia from the set of the Passion of the Christ Lego Movie and a few rifles from the armored La Raza Taco Truck.
As I arrived at the White House, or now more commonly known as Trump’s Vacation Home according to employees, I walked through the majestic doorway into the lobby. I pointed the microphone into people’s faces while shouting, “why the hell are you still working here?”
Only two off-duty Secret Service Agents agreed to do an interview, agents Becker, and Smith.
Gish Gallop: Did you know that President Trump uses hair growth formula?
Agent Becker: What?
Agent Smith: Hah! I totally called it. Ok, pay up…
Becker: Ahhh come on man, I didn’t think you were serious! I could have sworn it was a damn toupee.
Smith: Bro, we shook hands over it. Come on, $20 is $20.
Upon confirming the NSA leak I decided that Gish Gallop’s budget had been plundered enough on this wild tour of the White House. I hopped into the company helicopter and back into the welcoming arms of Nevada County. Except I ran out of fuel somewhere in Kansas. If you see my boss, please tell him to send help. It’s pretty boring out here.