Sam’s Club Discounts Apocalypse Gear

Sam's Club prepares stores across the nation for a nuclear fallout event.
Sam’s Club prepares stores across the nation for a nuclear fallout event.

Kansas City, MO-  The Walton Family, owners of Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club, has started selling “bug out” bags, otherwise known as survival kits at a heavy discount.  These survival kits have always been sold from Sam’s Club’s website, and sometimes found in stores across the nation.

Normally these survival kits are listed around $200.00 over the online store.  In-store sales have lowered the price to $59.00 for 5-day Survival Kits, and $79.00 for 1-month long kits.

We e-mailed Sam’s Club’s Public Relations department about these new discounts on their survival kits.  This was their response:

“Thank you very much for your interest in Sam’s Club’s Wise Company Survival Kits.  In your e-mail, you asked us about the reasoning behind the discounts for these products.  We have decided to sell them at a lower price due to the volatility of our current presidential staff.  With the president’s employees resigning left and right we predict that it is only a matter of time before the rest of the world discovers our All-American-Wishy-Washy nature.  This indication, that we are, in fact not united as a nation, serves to propose to any enemies of the Great Red White and Blue that we are weak enough as a civilization to be undermined by foreign inception, and possibly the beginning of a swath of worldwide violence and strife (i.e. another world war with America as the primary battlegrounds).  With that being said, we would like to offer all members of Gish Gallop a buy one get one free coupon for all survival products.  Thank you for your continued business.  And for extra protection don’t forget our Sam’s Club Brand Hazmat Suits!”

The supermarket wholesaler has decided that during these times of political upheaval and uncertainty that We the People need to prepare for World War Three and buy as many of their survival kits as your family needs to outlast the horrors of a nuclear/chemical apocalypse.

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