“According to Mr. Paul, he chose not to enter the melee because he just got his hair and nails done. Mr. Bush was trying to get into the fray, but was unable to find the entrance to the sandbox. Ms. Fiorina missed the entire process because she was playing “mirror, mirror on the wall, who is butt ugliest of them all” with Gloria Allred on her cell phone. We are still unable to locate Dr. Carson. Onlookers told us he was pacing back and forth in the sandbox and “muttering under his breath like a spun out crackhead.”
I asked Lt. Newton about the extent of the injuries and if there might be charges filed against any of the combatants.
“Mr. Cruz and Mr. Rubio were transported to a local hospital with numerous bruises and contusions. We are checking to see if they had the proper status to be on The Donald’s side of the sandbox. Mr. Trump was transported to a local urgent care to remove the sand from his eyes. Governor Christie was also transported to a local hospital with a poison control center to be treated for eating multiple cat turds. Mr. Huckabee and Mr. Santorum will be held, according to the Patriot Act, for further investigation into their being radicalized Christian terrorists. Governor Kasich was unharmed and will be receiving an award for bravery in accordance with the Good Samaritan Act. Mr. Bush and Mr. Carson, if we can find them, will both be transported to Rawson-Neal Psychiatric Hospital for further evaluation. Mr. Paul agreed to take Ms. Fiorina to a local spa for a complete makeover and some solid food. That is where we stand. Updates will be given as soon as they become available.”
The final outcome of the “Rumble of the Unhumble” is unclear at this point. What is clear, at this point, is the fact that politicians are always able to find new ways of wasting your tax dollars.