Penn Valley, CA — The 93-year-old Nevada County Gish Gallop encouraged people to “fuck off” if they can’t take a joke. Yesterday’s pronouncement by the esteemed news outlet, followed a bitter and protracted primary election season that left most American unable to laugh. Worse, the same run up to the general election found most citizens defending candidates that they would probably punch in the nose if they met them on the street.
“Ah yes. Yes,” said University of Chicago Professor James Badwater speaking about sociological impacts of reducing the American electoral process to the equivalent of a reality television show. “People are worn out from fighting. They’ve been shadow boxing against specters and they find themselves in the awkward position of defending someone who is reprehensible and does not represent their interests. So it’s natural that they’ve completely lost their sense of humor when everything they talk about is the end of the world.”
According to a memo released by Gish Gallop, it tells people to “just go fuck themselves if you’re not going to come down from your self-righteous high horse for even a minute to laugh at how ridiculous you are.” The memo was unsigned and it was unclear who authored it, however Gish Gallop Publisher Randal Finkelstein issues this comment via email.
“When I was baby fish, mom used to wear this baby blue t-shirt to my Little League games. It had this slogan on the front, ‘If you can’t take a joke.’ And that was it. For months I wondered why there wasn’t more to it. Then, during one game, a parent on the opposing team started shouting at everyone and being a real asshole. My Mother stood up, turned toward the man, pointed at her shirt and then said, ‘Hey Rick.” She then flipped up the bottom part of her shirt to reveal an embossed ‘Fuck You.’ If you can’t take a joke, fuck you. Best lesson ever.”
According to sources close to Gish Gallop, this “fuck you” campaign will last until the election is over, or the end of the world comes. Which ever comes first.