Ullapool, Scotland — Last Saturday at 09:15 satirist Harry Kellop was shot dead in a friends doorway in Ullapool by what is believed to be a professional hit. According to those close to him in an unlikely, though ever more likely in this age of Dunning Krueger, twist of events one of his satire articles turned out to be true.
“I was with Harry when it all began to blow out of proportion,” said ‘X’ his close friend who wishes to remain anonymous for safety fears. “It started with a bunch of conspiraloons picking up on Harry’s story on Gish Gallop. Harry decided to play with them as you do. After a few hours he got a message telling us to “get out of there, their coming for you,”. Harry and myself ignored the urge to correct their grammar and decided to fuck with them some more.”
Kellop and X his anonymous associate, clad in cammo and balaclavas armed with a cam corder. Had planned to make a fake get away from the sinister forces in the imaginations of the conspiritards. Oblivious to the very real threat just moments away.
“We recorded ourselves climbing out the bathroom window into the neighbors tree house. Mostly for the amusement of our audience.”
“It was then that we saw dozens of unmarked black vans. Tearing up Harry’s street at a tremendous speed. Then I heard a helicopter in the distance. We only just made it to a friend’s house. When Harry got a call from the neighbor. His door had been kicked in by guy’s in black uniform and black berets.”
After uploading the footage they ditched their phones. Then went on the run each going their separate ways. Unaware of the cross-country manhunt or the hideous crimes they had been accused of.
“A few weeks later somebody must have reported Harry’s where about’s. I got beaten and left for dead by wanna-be vigilantes. Luckily I was found by a gullible conspiritard who nursed me to health and kept me hidden. Who then passed me onto your guys reputable publication.”
According to local news up in Ullapool and in Harry’s hometown of Helensburgh. The shooter was a family member of one of Harry and X’s victims. According to police reports a man handed himself in, confessed and killed himself in custody and the case is now closed.