Nevada County, CA — Local Conservatives, in a flip of a popular Progressive aphorism, have announced that they are “acting globally and thinking locally” about the recent immigration crisis at the Nation’s southern borders.
“Scabies, you know what that is,” asked local retired Colonel, Civil Engineer and local blogger Jack Ripper. “They’re coming on the planes. In their cars. On mules over the border to pollute the sanctity of our American experience.”
The current immigration crisis refers to the surge in unaccompanied children from Central America seeking entrance to the United States. The surge has rapidly increased, doubling in volume each year, reaching crisis proportions in 2014 when tens of thousands of women and children from Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador migrated to the United States. Many of the children had no parent/legal guardian available to provide care or physical custody and quickly overwhelmed local border patrols.
“It is time to act globally,” continued Mr. Ripper, “and think about the local impact of these disastrous immigration policies have on our community. Imagine, think, about what an influx of 12 year old Hondurans would have on our local job market. And the Scabies. Scabies everywhere.”
Scabies a contagious skin infection caused by the mite Sarcoptes scabiei. The mite is a tiny, and usually not directly visible, parasite which burrows under the host’s skin, which in most people causes an intense itching sensation caused by an allergic response.
The current immigration crisis is a welcomed development for a popular cable news outlet whose spokesman on Thursday claimed that, “we have run out of news to run. So this issue is welcomed. And anything that mixes brown children, immigration, President Obama and most importantly scabies, gives us something to run 24 hours per day. Now if we only had a tornado or a hurricane to blast away a mobile home park, we’d be set with insurance ad revenue. But for now, the GSK and Pfizer ads are working.”
Rival cable news channel CNN is still covering the Malaysian MH370 plane crash, which mysteriously crashed back in March and therefore had no editorial comment about the recent immigration crisis.
“It’s just a matter of time before they’re busting down the gates of my community,” Mr. Ripper said as he was finishing up the interview, “I feel terrible for my grandkids who won’t have jobs, and will be covered in scabies.”