Atlanta, GA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control announced this week that they have created the world’s first birth control device for rats. In what observers are calling ‘Fleshlights for rats,” lead researcher Dr. Jessica Gossling shared the teams finding on a Monday conference call.

“It’s a landmark achievement in rodent control,” said Dr. Gossling during the conference call. “We’ve taken a lesson from humanity this time, miniaturizing and reverse-engineering a popular sex toy as a way of controlling rodent populations which have been exploding in the past decade due to climate change.”

The 3-year study, which was initiated under the Obama administration, started as a garden-variety pest control program for third world countries. After the 2016 election, funds were cut, which forced the research team to consider less expensive and alternative solutions.

After trying several ideas, including miniature condoms, forcing rats to watch cat videos and most controversially, hanging pictures of former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher around the cages,  the idea of rat Fleshlights came to Dr. Gossling in a dream.


“It was late one night, and I sat up in bed screaming Fleshlights,” continued Dr. Gossling. “To be honest, it scared my husband. But I immediately ran to my office and jotted down the design after a few Google image searches. Initially, the team laughed at the idea, but is any more absurd than making rats watch old baseball games? I think not.”

It took over six months to shrink the size of standard Fleshlight to what it now jokingly called “Trump-sized.” The next challenge for the team was getting male rats to use the device.

“We struggled for a few weeks to get them [the male rats] to use it. We had almost given up hope, but one day it just started working, and we’ve seen a 95% reduction in rat populations in our first trials. More study is needed, but we believe this discovery can be extended to other onerous populations like cockroaches and young conservative male voters.”

Production of the tiny Fleshlights has been transferred to manufacturing and should be available as an alternative to poison and traps by early next year.

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