Scientology to Build Vault in Remote Graniteville, CA

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Artist's depiction of Secret Scientology underground bunker in Graniteville, CA
Artist’s depiction of Secret Scientology underground bunker in Graniteville, CA

Graniteville, CA — According to insiders, the Church of Scientology has announced plans to build a store vault and sprawling “Cadet Org” 2.3 miles Northeast of the small unincorporated community of Graniteville, California.

According to sources close to the project, this 28 acre storage and training facility will be the church’s largest installation and will have barracks for housing up to 723 “Volunteer Ministers” also known as Field Staff Members or FSMs. It will house be home to new Scientology recruits called “preclears.” The storage facility will house and protect important Church artifacts and intellectual property in a 1000 foot deep bunker to protect artifacts from damage from the coming Galactic Invasions.

No one is quite sure why the Church chose this site, but many have speculated that it was chosen due to the nearby town’s name, “Graniteville,” implying that a secure underground bunker would be properly fortified surrounded by granite.

It is no mystery, however, why the Church chose it for its “Cadet Org.” The location’s remoteness and the general “leave me alone” ethic that surrounds Graniteville is a perfect environment for the warehousing of unwanted children of Sea Org parents and new “preclears.”

Request for comment from local Graniteville citizens was not granted, as expected. The Church of Scientology denied that it was building such a facility.

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