San Diego, CA — Following a wave of criticism that the popular San Diego, California sea park is harming its captive creatures, SeaWorld has decided to replace its most popular features with sustainable exhibits. The first exhibit to be transformed into a “sustainable habitat demonstration” is the orca show, which will be replaced with a farmed, freshwater tilapia observatory.
“It was inevitable,” said a Jennella Downburn from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, also known as PETA. “After Willie Nelson and Martina McBride canceled their concerts at SeaWorld, not to mention the exhaustive efforts of organizations like PETA, it’s really no surprise that they’ve had a change of heart.”
The tilapia is the common name for nearly a hundred species of “cichlid” fish from the tilapiine cichlid tribe. Tilapia are mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow streams, ponds, rivers and lakes and less commonly found living in brackish water. It is incredibly boring.
According to critics of SeaWorld, the popular marine mammal park had a long history of mistreating animals.
“Although SeaWorld touts its conservation efforts in slick television ads,” continued Jennella Downburn, “it’s a business first and foremost, and it chooses profit over the best interests of marine mammals. Animals who are members of endangered species are no happier in cages and tanks than are animals who aren’t endangered. The ultimate hope for those animals lies in protecting their habitats, not in life sentences in a tank. We’d like to see SeaWorld shut down, but this sustainable tilapia tank is a step in the right direction.”
In 2011, PETA, three marine-mammal experts, and two former SeaWorld trainers filed a lawsuit that maintained that the five wild-caught orcas forced to perform at SeaWorld parks are being held as slaves in violation of the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The filing, the first ever seeking to extend constitutional rights to nonhuman animals, named the five orcas as plaintiffs and sought their release into their natural habitats or to seaside sanctuaries. The lawsuit was unsuccessful, for hopefully obvious reasons, however the public relations damage was enough to get the organization to change its exhibits.
Sustainable is a Winner
Some entertainment insiders aren’t sure that this new move towards sustainable exhibits is a winner for SeaWorld.
“How the hell are they supposed to make money with an aquarium full of tilapia?” Questioned an indignant Delmore Crockett of Lazard Capital Markets, a Los Angeles entertainment analyst firm. “People come to see dolphins and orcas doing weird shit. If they’re lucky, one of the orcas will kill a trainer. No one wants to pay to see something they can do in their backyards.”
SeaWorld officials declined comment, but an insider told Gish Gallop that they plan on replacing the dolphin program with an interactive mussel exhibit and a “sustainable” sushi bar.