Washington, D.C. — In a startling move, the U.S. Senate has initiated proceedings to impeach President Barack Obama for being undesirable to the majority of the Republican party. The impeachment proceedings against the Commander-in-Chief are expected to last a little over a year, and the results will be final.
“We’re finally going to remove Obama from the people’s White House,” explains Senator Ted Cruz, “it’s been a long, hard fight, but one that I always knew we could win. Ladies and gentlemen, today is a great day for the vast minority of Americans.”
Donald Trump has been President since January. Obama stopped being President at that point. Little did it matter to these esteemed statesmen.
The Senate will invoke a little-known procedural rule, known as Congressional Attrition, to drive the 44th President from office. While the rule, once invoked, does have a one-year waiting period, many on the right feel that a victory has been achieved by “sticking it to our Muslim-in-chief.”
The Republicans decided not to use the legal precedents employed during the William Jefferson Clinton impeachment process, largely because of the high crimes and misdemeanors thing. Clinton had dabbled in those (albeit in a tantalizing way that the public would rather not have known about), President Obama has not. This has really angered many Republicans, as the best argument for impeachment up to now had been to deny that Barack Obama was an American and to insist that he must have been born in another country, or even Africa.
Obama’s seeming impeccability has forced some Republicans to reach deep into the Senate’s arsenal of obscure and strange senatorial shenanigans to find a solution. “We have the power of the purse, frankly,” explains spineless Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “If the Senate passes articles of impeachment or initiates the Attrition process (against the President of the United States), we won’t have the legal power to remove Obama from the office of the presidency. What we will be able to do, though, is evict him from the White House, even though he no longer resides there. It’s all about the message.”
Sen. Ted Cruz elaborated on their scheme.
“Well first of all, this is not a scheme,” continued Senator Cruz. “This is justice. What we are doing is using the Constitutionally protected precedent of Congressional Attrition. This is a valuable tool in the Senate’s arsenal, and it is our duty as American patriots to use it fully, and to use it well.”
Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz just quit, because “Fuck it.”
The Congressional Attrition rule was created to remove, or decommission, a president from office upon dying (or otherwise disappointing people) in said office and transferring the funding, and the White House itself, to an extant successor. The only case in which the rule was ever invoked, and the reason it was passed by the legislature in the first place, was when President William McKinley was assassinated in 1901 and his wife wouldn’t vacate the White House, even after she knew he was very dead. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt was to be sworn in to replace McKinley as President of the United States, and boy, was he ready to work. History bears that out.
The Senate voted 64 to 23 to starve Mrs. McKinley out of the White House and let ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt, as he came to be called, get on with the business of running the country, since he was now the President of it.
Senator Tom Cotton bluntly explained the scheme to evict the nation’s first non-white President from the White House. “Our plan is simple. The same way they starved the McKinley widow out [of the White House], we’re going to starve the Obama family out. If we start the proceedings by mid-June, we will have Obama out of the Oval Office by April or June of 2017, whether he’s there or not.”
Further investigation has revealed to Gish Gallop that the Senate’s gesture is not, technically, an impeachment. Nor is it a legal proceeding with any power to do anything whatsoever. Not to say that it was illegal, it just wasted a lot of time. In the meantime, Trump will be filling in for Obama.