Nevada County, CA — Nevada County Sheriff Keith “Buford T. Robocop” Royal announced Monday afternoon that his department is conducting active investigations of statewide propositions 45, 46, and 47 for unspecified criminal charges. Royal refused to divulge any details of the investigations, however, citing the risk of jeopardizing the ongoing cases. Nonetheless, he was quick to assure the public that the investigations were not without merit.
“Ballot propositions like this, these are the bad guys. They’re why my department has both a giant, armor-plated RV painted in some pretty sweet camouflage and a hard-earned reputation for institutional overreach. Some of these pieces of inanimate legislation may even have Mexican Mafia ties, if only because that’s a pretty useful bogeyman in a county with approximately 27 known Hispanic residents.”
“But I can’t really comment any further at this point. It wouldn’t be fair to the process or to all the other times that I have commented further in similar circumstances. At this point, all I can do is foster a lingering impression of wrongdoing and malfeasance on the part of these propositions, tainting them with the implied guilt that comes with charges so shocking that they cannot even be named. They’re sort of the Voldemort charges –the Charges That Must Not Be Named. With an election next Tuesday, that’s really the most I can do.”
The Sheriff’s investigation of statewide ballot measures comes hot on the heels of their attempts earlier this year to arrest Nevada County Measure S on jaywalking charges three times in rapid succession, thereby invoking the state’s notorious “Three Strikes” legislation, and ensuring a lengthy prison stay for the unwitting stack of carefully stapled, 8.5×11, photocopy-grade paper. Those charges were dismissed when local bandleader and part-time agricultural assistant, “Moonash,” pointed out that printer paper, cannot, in fact, walk at all, jay or otherwise. “Duuude,” drawled Moonash, incisively, yet semi-intelligibly. “Nuh-uh!”
Criminal investigations of inanimate constructs are rare in this country, but are not without precedent, especially in Arizona, where the incessant heat, strip-mall culture, and lengthy exposure to the oratory of Senator John McCain have created a new breed of Obersturmbann-sheriff, confident in his exemption from the higher powers of law, taxes, and basic personal hygiene. For example, famed Racist Sheriff, “Loco” Joe Arpaio, of Maricopa County once unsuccessfully attempted to charge the Federal Republic of Mexico with the singular crime of “being Mexican.” Similarly, whack-job Richard Mack, the former sheriff of Graham County, once charged a jelly donut for “sitting there and looking too pretty behind that glass like that,” sentencing the offending pastry to a “lifetime sentence in my constitutional belly.”
When contacted for further comment on this story, the Sheriff’s Department declined to elaborate further, remarking only that, “the main thing to keep in mind is that potentially there are unspecified, Voldemort-level bad things associated with these propositions. Real dark wizard shit. Beyond that, we can’t comment, other than to point out that election day is next Tuesday.” For their part, the ballot measures remained silent, inanimate constructs that they are.