Paris, France — Paris police, in conjunction with Interpol, dropped a bombshell this morning. A manifesto uncovered during the investigation is now pointing investigators in a new, and unforeseen, direction.
Interpol chief inspector, Charl Deu’Shnozz’el, briefed journalists from around the globe of the shattering news.
“We have discovered, during our investigation, that the terrorists who perpetrated the ghastly Paris murder spree were not, in fact, related to ISIS or Daesh, and are not even Muslim. They are, in fact, a faction of a Syrian Christian convert group known as CISSY (pronounced sissy), or Christians In Syria, Sudan, and Yemen.”
“In a manifesto found in their vehicles and homes, the terrorists spell out their reasons for the attacks around the French city. The manifesto, a mostly rambling 27 pages of non sequiturs, speaks to the trials and tribulations of Christian converts in the Arab nations,” said Inspector Deu’Shnozz’el.
According to the CISSY manifesto, the prophet, and leader of the movement, Swal-o a-Kumwad, a prominent Imam converted to Christ, trained the group of terrorists and ordered them to complete the massacre to create awareness as to the plight of Christian converts in the Muslim nations.
Gish Gallop was able to obtain access to CISSY leadership in a shared interview with AP reporter, Keel Emall, in Belgium this morning. The CISSY group associate prophet, Kareem Abdul Jafar, hoped to shed some light on the mayhem.
“We are a peaceful people,” offered Jafar. “We only want to live in peace and worship the God of our understanding in the way we wish. We want freedom to live and dress as we see fit. We want our voices to sing praises to our Lord and Savior. But mostly, we want to eat pork and shellfish,” Jafar told us.
Mr. Emall asked, “Why did you find it necessary to commit such a heinous act to get your message out to the world?”
“As recent history teaches us, the squeaky bomb gets the grease. We have been running a fierce Facebook campaign, but no one was listening. People would like our posts and scroll right on by as if they had actually read the posting. We have aligned ourselves with Rev. Donald Spitz and The Army of God, who advised us that we needed a big performance to allow true dialog to be opened,” replied Jafar.
I asked Jafar, “How do you equate killing innocent people with living in peace and worshipping God?”
Jafar smiled a devilish grin, looking just like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and replied, “Our Christian God has asked us, many times through history, to spill blood for our cause of furthering Christ’s teachings. Do you not recall the Crusades? The Inquisition? The Gulf War? Our holy brothers and sisters are languishing in squalid conditions, waiting to be beheaded in the name of Allah and Mohammed. These Muslims kill indiscriminately for their God, must not we also?”
“So, two wrongs make a right?” I asked. “Isn’t your religion about forgiveness? All of that, turn the other cheek, business. Certainly, if your God was really omnipotent as you say, wouldn’t he have healthier means of making his will known to the world rather than wholesale murder?”
Again Jafar smiled, rubbed his palms together, and said, “We follow the commands of our prophet, Swal-o a-Kumwad. Just as he is commanded by God when they commune, privately, in the Holy Communion Tent. You just can’t say no to the Almighty.”
Mr. Emall inquired, “I would like to meet your prophet. How do we get to Swal-o a-Kumwad?”
At that moment, as we seemed to be getting to the crux of the issue, the interview was halted suddenly when the delivery guy from Dickey’s BBQ came through the door with a plethora of ribs and pulled pork. Can’t we all just get along?