“Brooklyn“, New York — An excited developer, John Doesman, is celebrating his planned development and construction of a new Brooklyn Bridge made entirely out of light, built right next to the original bridge. Doesman, who is responsible for a lot of faux culture around the BIGGER (â„¢) Apple of New York, says that the new light bridge will be just as functional as the original, provide a great addition to the cityscape, be cheaper to build, weigh less, and look stunning at night from a private helicopter.
“It will be a amazing and fully functional. The transparency will add to the city landscape and at the same time provide easy access for skinny pedestrians, 3-D cars and trucks, and simple ideas,” claimed Doesman, who was formerly a stand up comedian at Bellevue Hospital and a right hand man to Bloomberg’s Faux Culture Follies Brigade. “I’m just beaming with the possibilities here”, he added as he promoted his new line of paper mache condos on the Brooklyn waterfront.
Critics say the new bridge just doesn’t make sense. “I don’t get it. If you walk or drive across it you will fall into the river. It’s another example of simulacrum in a city whose culture is dying, being replaced by fake things. This one goes too far. Just plain dangerous, and no one is stopping this?” asked Jeremiah Plitskin, a culture warrior and crusty New Yorker who lives near the real bridge in a rent controlled closet. “Let the new young rich and the elite use it, it’s not for real people,” he added.
The new Bridge will be called “The Brooklyn Bridge by Doesman, Inc.” and its plans for its completion are still up in the air.