New York, NY — The press got a rare glimpse into the defecation practices of President Trump the past weekend when the alt-right website Breitbart.com published an expose of his favorite “crapper” books. Among Donald Trump’s favorite is The Sneetches and Other Stories, which he was happy to showcase while he did is morning crap.
“I love Sneetches, it’s great,” said the leader of the free world as he grunted heavily and pinched a big one into the toilet bowl. “Ahhh, that’s better. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my father would talk about how we’re different from other people. Special, you know, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of our status. He said it was in our genes.”
Other books Mr. Trump enjoys on the toilet are All Quiet on the Western Front, a biography of Captain Kangaroo’s sidekick entitled It’s Not Fun Being Number 2: The Story of Mr. Green Jeans, and perhaps his most controversial toilet-side reading, the abridged nursery rhyme version of the racist novel The Turner Diaries.
“I absolutely love All Quiet on the Western Front. I read it as a kid. It has always stuck with me. Remember that butterfly on the skull? My teacher called it jackoffpositions or something. I dunno, something eggheads say. Oh yeah,” continued Mr. Trump working out another turd as he read from the Sneetches, “this is one of my favorite parts. ‘Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small. You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.’ It really hits home.”
A full set of pictures of Mr. Trump in his bathroom is scheduled to be published next week in Breitbart.com.