Soul Patch Fails to Give Hipster Man Soul

Not even Miles Davis, nor his beard can help Seattle's Luca Morrison find his soul.
Not even Miles Davis, nor his beard can help Seattle’s Luca Morrison find his soul.

Seattle, WA — For the past 15 years, Luca Morrison has sported a well-groomed soul patch on his chin. His outward appearance is that of an urbane hipster, a man who looks at one with the latest cultural trends, wears skinny jeans, drinks triple shot espresso from a demitasse, and carries an air of sneering disdain for most aspects of modern popular culture. Frequenting the best hipster spots throughout Seattle, Morrison, a ginger by birth, is no stranger to knowing which scene was “in” and which was on its way “out.”

But Morrison harbors a deep secret: Despite the soul patch on his chin, he lacks completely what some would call “soul.”

He first noticed his missing soul by failing to sway to Marvin Gaye’s classic “What’s Goin’ On” while his other hipster friends were discovering Gaye, Barry White, and other smooth-as-silk soul sounds from the 70s. Later, when he started attending concerts by The Dave Matthews Band and Phish it dawned on him that he just didn’t “groove” the beat or the music like those around him did.

“So the greater part of my life has been a lie,” he confessed. “I’ve got this look, and this attitude, and I can’t follow through with my feelings.” He added, “How can I truly spot the latest music or art trend if I can’t ‘feel’ it?”

When his other hipster friends started pointing out his inability to nod his head in detached rhythmic appreciation to some obscure Vampire Weekend or Tame Impala song, he decided that something had to change.

Tries to Kick-Start His Soul

At the advice of his friends, Morrison tried a drastic form of self-treatment to try to kick-start his soul into gear. He purchased a Kronos turntable, a Zanden Audio Systems Model 8120 amplifier, and Bose speakers. Listening to the music desperately through expensive Bang and Olufsen headphones, he tried to follow the complex music of Miles Davis, Thundercat, Taylor Swift, and countless other musicians who laid the groundwork of contemporary coolness.




But it was all to no avail since he couldn’t even follow a basic 4/4 beat.

Looking for Soul in All the Wrong Places

“So one of my friends told me to go hang out with black people since the soul they have just sort of rubs off on you. I don’t think it gave me anything except a bunch of weird ass stares when I showed up on my own to an R Kelly concert. So not doing that again…”

“I just have to face the fact that I’m a soulless kind of person,” he lamented. “But I’ll keep going to Coachella and Arcade Fire concerts because it’s what a guy like me is expected to do.”

Full Soul Alchemist

The next step, claims Morrison, is an experimental full soul transplant which has achieved limited success with other hipsters with Morrison’s particular disability. “It seems strange that the soul transplant was developed in Switzerland. If there was ever a soulless group of people, it’s the Swiss,” he said. “I might end up feeling really at home there.”

Despite the setbacks, Morrison is still hopeful. “Even if the transplant doesn’t work, I’m never shaving off my soul patch. It’s the one thing that keeps it real for me.”

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