Spongebob SquarePants Booked for Trump Inauguration

Spongebob Squarepants will perform at Donald Trump's inauguration.
Spongebob Squarepants will perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration.

Washington, D.C. — With the recent spate of celebrities either refusing to perform at President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony or canceling their prior agreement to do so, the President-elect received a welcome bit of news this morning when television star Spongebob SquarePants agreed to make an appearance.

Trump’s Counselor and former Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway gave a statement.

“This goes to show that despite all the fake news that the media is spouting, do I have to go into why the media’s approval ratings are so low? They’re much lower than Donald Trump’s. He’s at 40% if you believe the fake media, but it’s more like 70%, maybe even higher, which is better than Obama’s. Anyway I was going somewhere. Oh, right, Spongebob will be there. Not that CNN will cover it.”

Spongebob was unavailable for comment, with multiple sources alleging his silence stems a multi-day cocaine bender that left him hospitalized from exhaustion and severe dehydration. His agent, Kellyanne Conway, denied the allegations.

“This goes to show you what the media and their fake new has resorted to spouting. Do I even have to go into why the media’s approval ratings are so low? They’re much lower than Donald Trump’s. He’s at 40% if you believe the fake media, but it’s more like 70%, maybe even higher, which is better than Obama’s. Anyway I was going somewhere. Oh, right, Spongebob will be there. Not that CNN will cover it.”

There’s no reliable word yet about what Squarepants will be doing at the celebration, but sources close to the Trump transition team indicate he’ll be, “mostly wandering around on acid doing psychotic shit.”

In her statement, Conway teased at a bonus appearance at what has become the event of the decade for celebrities.

“I’m not promising anything yet,” she said, “but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Mister Krabbs or even Larry the Lobster there.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.