Sports World Baffled by Cam Newton’s Bad Mood

Cam Newton Interview
Is Cam Newton Just A Sore Loser ?

 

San Francisco, CA The NFL’s Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton shocked fans and commentators in a post-Superbowl interview this week by being surly following the loss of the biggest game of his career.

“We just don’t know what to make of it,” said unemployed Panthers superfan Deborah Williams of Nevada City, NV. “It’s like he’s just in a mood or something. He needs to snap out of it.”

Newton’s agent offered an explanation at a press conference this morning, saying, “Guys he just lost the Superbowl. The SUPERBOWL. He’s the quarterback. You know, the guy everyone blames when the team loses? Why do you think he’s in a bad mood? How about giving him a few days to absorb the biggest loss of his life?”

Commentators were similarly perplexed, with Dan Patrick of The Dan Patrick Show saying, “I still don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just have an amicable conversation with reporters asking him what went wrong in his Superbowl loss a few hours before the interview? What’s with the mood?”

After another day of headlines bashing Newton, his agent issued a follow-up statement.

“Hello? Is this on? HE JUST LOST THE SUPERBOWL. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Half of you kick the dog when you get stuck in traffic and suddenly it’s a mystery why he doesn’t want a heart-to-heart? Let me say it again for the truly stupid – he’s upset because he’s a quarterback and he just lost the biggest game possible. THAT IS WHY HE IS UPSET.”

Sports fans reported continuing bewilderment the following day in interviews across the country.

“I don’t get it, but he needs to cheer up,” said a woman from her barstool in Tulsa, OK. “I’m sure there’s a reason he’s in such a bad mood, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.”

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Jon Reremy, PhD
When Jon was a little bitty baby his mama would rock him in the cradle in the old cotton fields where he's from. Growing up in the deep south, he learned to take a punch, a skill he carries with him to this day and looks to pass on to future generations of Reremies. After the tragic monster truck accident that claimed the life of his latest wife, all pending charges were dropped, leaving Jon to pursue his dream of marrying someone younger, hotter, and dirtier. As his hunt continues, Jon lurks around the local junior college, where he hopes to earn his doctorate by attending several classes a month, that he may one day stop lying about having one. When he's not studying or leching, Jon maintains an active television-viewing schedule. On the rare occasion inspiration strikes, he strikes back.
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