San Francisco, CA The NFL’s Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton shocked fans and commentators in a post-Superbowl interview this week by being surly following the loss of the biggest game of his career.
“We just don’t know what to make of it,” said unemployed Panthers superfan Deborah Williams of Nevada City, NV. “It’s like he’s just in a mood or something. He needs to snap out of it.”
Newton’s agent offered an explanation at a press conference this morning, saying, “Guys he just lost the Superbowl. The SUPERBOWL. He’s the quarterback. You know, the guy everyone blames when the team loses? Why do you think he’s in a bad mood? How about giving him a few days to absorb the biggest loss of his life?”
Commentators were similarly perplexed, with Dan Patrick of The Dan Patrick Show saying, “I still don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just have an amicable conversation with reporters asking him what went wrong in his Superbowl loss a few hours before the interview? What’s with the mood?”
After another day of headlines bashing Newton, his agent issued a follow-up statement.
“Hello? Is this on? HE JUST LOST THE SUPERBOWL. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Half of you kick the dog when you get stuck in traffic and suddenly it’s a mystery why he doesn’t want a heart-to-heart? Let me say it again for the truly stupid – he’s upset because he’s a quarterback and he just lost the biggest game possible. THAT IS WHY HE IS UPSET.”
Sports fans reported continuing bewilderment the following day in interviews across the country.
“I don’t get it, but he needs to cheer up,” said a woman from her barstool in Tulsa, OK. “I’m sure there’s a reason he’s in such a bad mood, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.”