Star Wars Non-Spoiler: The Naked Truth

Everyone loves Chewbacca. But you've never seen him in the buff. (below)
Everyone loves Chewbacca. But you’ve never seen him in the buff. (below)

What you are about to read should not be considered a spoiler so much as a warning. Gish Gallop was able, through some of Gish Gallop President Lou LaPlante’s shady connections, to secure an early screening of the much-anticipated film Star Wars: The Force Awakens directed by J. ‘Jay’ Abrams. Lucas had nothing to do with this one, really. We have agreed to in no way give away any of the movie’s plot points. So, like I said, this is not a spoiler. This is a heads up to you and your family, especially your somewhat effeminate son.

The movie was fantastic. The acting was superb and sublime. The characters literally come alive in one of the most fascinating works of art ever to grace the silver screen. That said, there was one superfluous scene that not only could have, but should have, been left out of this otherwise glorious film. I mean, go see it. Seriously, the movie is great. Except for this one part.

Toward the end of the most epic production of the Star Wars franchise thus far, Chewbacca, the heroic Wookie with beautiful, flowing locks all over his body, ends up [redacted] to [redacted] by shaving nearly his entire body. It has the desired effect, as [redacted] was saved and a [redacted under duress] left happy, but nevertheless sweating profusely.

While Chewbacca has long been considered Han Solo’s right-hand man, this new room in the Millennium Falcon [redacted] shows that Solo was really just Chewbacca’s [redacted for decency’s sake] Solo’s debts to Jabba the Hutt.

We all were kind of squirming in our seats at Gish Gallop offices as this scene played out on our 80″ 4K screen. We all agreed that, while the film was probably the best thing ever, the whole scene with a shaved Chewbacca was an embarrassing and interminable 40 seconds that did nothing to move the plot forward. It was gross and unnecessary, even by Gish Gallop standards.

Chewbacca after his close shave.
Chewbacca after his close shave aboard the Millennium Falcon.

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