Nevada City, CA — After receiving nationwide attention and accolades for the recent capture and detainment of a “Sleeper” terrorist cell in Malakoff Diggins State Park located near North San Juan, CA, the Nevada County Board of Supervisors unanimously voted on Monday to make Ranch Dressing the official condiment of Nevada County.
“Regardless of your political affiliation, here in Nevada County we’re tough,” commented District 4 Supervisor Hank Weston. “We’re self-starters. We’re also a bunch of white people. And nothing says ‘white people’ more than the creamy goodness of Ranch Dressing on everything.”
Not everyone was excited about this latest condiment/salad dressing development.
“Look,” said Nevada City’s self-appointed spokesperson Sairhra Ramun. “This is fly-over state stuff. Nevada City is not about this. If the ‘Supes’ were serious about this, they would have clearly chosen some kind of Tahini condiment. You know, something that says ‘we’re trying to be multicultural’.”
Not everyone agreed with Ms. Ramun about a Tahini resolution.
“Well, in Grass Valley, we have a different opinion,” said resident Shelly Wagner in a telephone interview. “We’d just as well prefer ketchup as our preferred condiment. My kids eat it on everything. I kinda wish someone would have consulted us first.”
Hank Weston got the final word.
“This will be good for tourism,” continued Hank Weston. “We have no plans at the moment to mandate that Ranch Dressing be served at every restaurant, but we’re considering mandating a ‘I hate terrorists’ sticker on each bottle sold in Nevada County.”