Tea Party Proposes Raising Voting Age to 59 1/2

Brock Whalen of Bring Back Glenn Beck
Brock Whalen of Bring Back Glenn Beck

Penn Valley, CA Local Tea Party officials, in conjunction with national organizers announced Monday evening that they will be pushing for local ordinances to raise the voting age to exactly 59 1/2 years of age.

“This is what Democracy is all about,” said Brock Whalen from his Penn Valley home. “The citizens vote and control their destiny. And one way to do that, is for the voting majority to say who gets to vote. And that vote starts right here in Nevada County with a local initiative on the ballot.”

Over the past few years, many groups have decried what they see as “judicial activism” after the courts recently threw out many voter-driven initiatives. The most recent one being California’s Proposition 8, which banned-same sex marriages in the State. Current “plus 59.5” supporters, as it’s being called in the Conservative activist community, are worried that the courts won’t allow the measure onto the ballot.

“We voted to keep the gays from marrying,” said a stern Mary Shilling of Penn Valley, “and those liberal judges overturned the will of the people. You know, to put them in their place. This new local ordinance will help keep all this whippersnapper riff-raff out of our elections.”

Mary Shilling of Penn Valley
Mary Shilling of Penn Valley

Constitutional scholars and non-dicks universally agree that voting to remove or limit Constitutionally guaranteed Rights is off-limits.

“You don’t vote on Civil Rights,”  said Constitutional scholar Jeb Smithfield. “It’s not something that is decided by popular vote or even legislative action. It’s what Thomas Jefferson meant by ‘certain unalienable rights.’ And it’s why we have the Courts to watch over all this.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing if the Tea Party has the support to get this admittedly controversial measure on the local ballot, but supporters are confident.

“Oh, we’ll get it on the ballot,” continued Brock Whalen. “That’s the easy part. We could probably convince the Board of Supervisors to consider it and bypass the inconvenience of the election. The hard part is the language on the measure itself. We’ll have to write it such a way that convinces your average 29-something that it’s in their best interest to disallow their voting. I think we can do that.”

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Tom Durkin Recent comment authors
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Tom Durkin

Obviously, Mr. Whalen hasn’t talked to many 29-somethings lately. They’re mad as hell, and they might vote to eliminate voting rights at age 60.