Mount Rushmore, SD — In light of the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, France and the possibility that more might come, The United States’ premiere fighting force, Team America: World Police departed for France early Thursday morning.
Led by new recruit and famed Broadway actor Gary Johnston, the team promises to “set things right again and kick some terrorist ass,” said Team America elusive leader and mastermind Spottswoode from his command center within Mount Rushmore. “Now suck my cock! Just kidding.“
The unauthorized and rogue deployment sent shock waves through the diplomatic community prompting Secretary of State John Kerry to address the world in French.
“Il est inevitable que Team America reprendrait pour sauver la journee,” said a somber Secretary Kerry. “Parce que quand l’amour est parti, il ya toujours la justice. Et quand la justice est parti, il ya toujours la force. Et lorsque la force est parti, il ya toujours maman. Salut maman.”
Changing to English as if to address Americans, Secretary Kerry said that Team America operates on their judgement and is outside the control of the Commander in Chief.
“But let me be clear, Team America is always spot on. So we have nothing to worry about,” he continued.
According to sources close to Team America: World Police, the team plans a multi-air vehicle invasion of the French capital, landing in the center of the city. They will then proceed to root out all Parisian terrorism by firing multiple shoulder-launched rockets and other large-caliber weapons indiscriminately into buildings and famous landmarks. Following this cavalcade of weaponry, Special Officer Gary Johnston, plans to infiltrate ISIS, Al-Qaeda, and/or Quebec sovereignist headquarters using his excellent Hollywood acting skills.
“This is how we roll, America,” continued Spottswoode. “And I am serious. Look, this is my serious face. If you think you’ve seen everything, let me ask you this. ‘‘Have you seen a man eat his own head?’ My guess is no. So you haven’t seen everything.”
Gish Gallop reached out to both Michael Moore and Matt Damon for comment, but neither returned our phone calls.