New York, NY — GOP presidential hopeful, Ted Cruz, dropped a bomb this morning on the Trump campaign. Cruz, speaking at an event in Midland, Texas, unleashed the hounds from Hell in an attempt to make up some ground.
“I have shocking news! Utterly shocking,” exclaimed Senator Cruz to CNN correspondent Sunlen Serfaty. “As I stand here, with my wife and best friend by my side, it saddens me to have to break this disturbing news to the nation,” Cruz continued. “I am saddened because, well, I had to ask myself, last evening when I received this news, what would Jesus do? I can tell you that I spent many hours in fervent prayer with my Savior. By this morning, I still hadn’t heard back from him, and the Holy Spirit said I should go ahead and preach it to the nation.”
The political rhetoric is starting to heat up again as Ted Cruz tries to salvage his reputation after taking a beating from Donald Trump during the primary season. Senator Ted Cruz, who lost badly to Donald Trump in the Empire State by a significant margin, is looking to re-establish himself as the Tea Party darling.
“We have been conducting some background investigations on our opponents, as is typical in these political races,” Cruz explained. “We wondered, did Melania come into the country legally? Wouldn’t that be a feather in our cap if the big bully that wants to build anti-immigration walls was married to an illegal immigrant? We were pretty excited at the prospect of finding some good dirt, when our first three searches found no Melanija Knavs, her real maiden name, ever entering the country. We did, however, continually run into the name, Martijn Knavs, a Slavic immigrant.”
What entails next is nothing short of a bombshell.
“Was he her brother? Uncle? Who? We didn’t have answers, so we dug deeper into the seedy underbelly of the beast we know as immigration. It was scary out there in the darkness that is mankind’s depravity, but we forged on because Americans deserve the truth,” related Cruz in a whispered hush.
“We found records and receipts of several surgeries and procedures at the Denver Center for Sexual Reassignment. The name on these documents, slowly, over time, went from Martijn Knavs to Melanija Knavs. Could it be? She is unusually tall. She does have a pretty square jaw and a bit of a five o’clock shadow in the afternoon. We were stupefied! He is a she! She was a he! OMG, where will she pee?” The senator was dancing around in a giddy shamanic dance. “I win. I win,” Cruz chanted. “I am the King of New York!”
The interview ended abruptly when four men from Bellevue, in their nice white coats, escorted Senator Cruz to a waiting “transport”. His wife, Heidi, waving and calling after him, “Have a great time honey. I did.”