Albany, NY — After being crushed in the New York primary, GOP hopeful Ted Cruz is speaking loudly and carrying a big stick in his latest CNN interview.
“I am calling for all Christians to join forces behind me and declare a holy jihad against the world,” said Senator Cruz in a last-ditch, go for broke effort to be relevant. “There are very troubling forces at work today here in America and around the world. There is a militant evil in the Middle East that desires to kill Christians. There is an evil empire of the wealthy in America that, even under the guise of being Christian themselves, wish to turn our beloved country into an Atheistic land of heathens.”
“That is some very scary rhetoric,” stated CNN reporter, Sunlen Serfaty. “What are you suggesting? That Christians should maraud around the world and force people to do their will?”
“That is exactly correct,” shouted Senator Cruz in his distinctive Texas-squeak accent. “We must get everyone on this planet to join our movement. We are even willing to take the Mormons, the Seventh Day Adventists, and the JW’s. Let me be clear, we are in a fight to sustain life on our planet, as well as saving our Lord and Saviour.”
“Hasn’t this already been done? Back in the 11th through 15th centuries? It sounds like you are calling for something very similar to the Crusades and the Inquisition. Is that what you are calling for, or is this just the reckless rantings of a politician desperate to win at any cost?” questioned Serfaty.
“Reckless? Rantings?” Questioned Senator Cruz. “What world do you live in? Do you not watch CNN? Do you not watch Fox news? We must spread the Bible far and wide. Once we have done that, then we can focus on our problems with minorities. I mean, Jesus was white. What does that tell you? It is time to turn the world to Jesus and then turn it white again,” screeched Ted Cruz as he hopped in circles, waving his arms like an Orangutan.
Senator Cruz then lost his balance, fell onto the CNN cameraman, and shouted, “oh, save me Jesus!” The cameraman was fine, but Senator Cruz had to be rushed to a local hospital because the fall caused the stick in his ass to be more deeply lodged than the GOP handbook allows.