Ted Nugent Ascends to Speaker of the House

Newly ascended Speaker Ted Nugent in his first "speech" to the House of Representatives.
Newly ascended Speaker Ted Nugent in his first “speech” to the House of Representatives.

Washington D.C. — American musician, singer, songwriter, hunter, and political activist Ted Nugent ascended to the Speaker of the House following the resignation of current Speaker John Boehner. Despite the fact that the “Motor City Madman” does not hold a seat in the United States House of Representatives, the Detroit Rocker received unanimous support from both the Conservative Republican Caucus, but more interestingly, the greater and more moderate body of the GOP.

According to House records, Mr. Nugent, now Speaker Nugent, stormed the chambers 2 hours after Pope Francis had delivered his address to a joint session of Congress. Apparently Vice President Biden was leaving the Capitol building as Mr. Nugent entered the Rotunda and asked the aging rocker for an autograph, followed by a lengthy discussion about the merits of the Pontiac Trans Am.

“Yeah, Nugent was marching towards the House chambers when the VP came out of nowhere and stopped him,” said 10 year veteran Security agent David Dunnel. “Biden was all smiley and waving his hands, but Ted seemed very annoyed about this. Biden was waving his hands and talking loudly about racing his Trans Am. Ted was polite, but seemed very annoyed by all this.”

Vice President Biden would not leave Ted Nugent alone.
Vice President Biden would not leave Ted Nugent alone.

“Ted just marched into our session yesterday and assumed control,” said House Majority Whip Steve Scalise. “He approached the lectern, and pushed Keith [Rep. Keith Ellison D-MN] and directed the House to ‘vote on it.'”

With every 234 Republican voting yes and every 201 Democrat voting no, many political analysts do not see governmental gridlock improving in any measurable way. In fact, some believe that Speaker Nugent, who doesn’t officially represent any district, will actually exacerbate the current acrimony in the House of Representatives. Still others are flabbergasted by his illegal rise to power.

“Hello? What just happened here,” said Louise Slaughter (D-NY) outside the Capitol building. “He’s not even a member of Congress. I know conservatives love this guy, but you just can’t take over the government like this.”

In his first statement as Speaker of the House, Mr. Nugent promised to “bring a stranglehold back to the house,” probably referring to his 1975 song by the same name. “I also plan to put some ‘Wango Tango’ back in our government. First up, I think that Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail. It is clear that Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama. Then I’d make Carry and Conceal mandatory for all members of Congress. That should speed debate up.”

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