Teenager Pleads to have “Internet Back”

Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley is doing to die if he doesn't get his Internet Back
Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley is doing to die if he doesn’t get his Internet Back

Grass Valley, CA — 13 minutes after having his Internet connection turned off as a form of punishment, teenager Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley, CA emerged from his room demanded that it be turned back on.

“I have a lot of homework to do,” said Kevin Thomas in a sudden bout of curricular inspiration, “and I need the Internet to complete it. It’s important and stuff, you know?”

Many parents across America have discovered that changing the WiFi password on the family’s wireless router is an effective way to get their unclean, mouthy teenagers out of their stank-infested rooms. Temporarily changing the WiFi password disables all the wireless devices of the offending teenager. There are also router solutions that can filter and restrict Internet activity.

“I got this down,” said Kevin’s Father Craig Thomas. “The kid thinks he can outsmart me by spoofing the MAC address, but I got that locked down too. He’s just gonna have to stare at the YouTube videos he can’t watch.”

The Thomas family has been struggling with their teenagers in recent months. Son Kevin nearly destroyed a new Samsung Galaxy smart phone days after it was purchased, and has been obstinate at family gatherings. Recently, Kevin has been spending a great deal of time barricaded in his room “studying” according to his parents. Yet, his grades seem quite lackluster.

“His grades are very mediocre,” said Mother Nicole Thomas. “He says he’s studying on the computer, but I’m not sure what he’s looking at all the time.”

 

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