Washington D.C. — The nation is a little panicked and “freaked out” as people across the country have been opening their trunks only to find “spooky” clowns sleeping in them. The incidents have been widely reported, from truck stops and gas stations, all the way to the United States Capitol building.
“I popped my trunk and there was a clown sleeping like a baby up against my spare tire,” drawled Mitch McConnell, tortoise, and part-time United States Senator, “his eyes shot open, and he just jumped up like a scandal, smacked into that guy [he points his wrinkly finger at a guy in a bloody suit sleeping on the grass] and ran off laughing and carrying what looked to me to be a pretty decent kitchen knife.” Senator McConnell was unharmed and has promised to be at his deceased bodyguard’s funeral next Wednesday.
Others across the country have told similar harrowing tales.
“I got pulled over in Wyoming because I had a tail light out,” reflects Kyle Scuty of Sierra City, CA, “when this cop tells me to pop my trunk ’cause he smells weed.” Kyle proceeded to open his trunk using a key instead of using the little button in the glove compartment.
“As the trunk glided open, a bunch of pot smoke drifted out and there was what I thought was a dead clown laying there, full-on rictus and shit. Pointy little teeth!”
We calmed Kyle down as he explained the rest of what occurred.
“Well, the creepy fucker’s eyes shot open – they were all red and green-rimmed, and he laughed this evil laugh, like something you hear in nightmares, or shitty horror movies,” Mr. Scuty details, “then he grabbed my hunting rifle, which was safely stowed in my trunk and ran off – with what looked like a pretty nice kitchen knife in his other hand.”
When more officers arrived they were able to ascertain the direction the perpetrator ran because “clown shoes leave a very distinct footprint.”
Mr. Scuty was not charged with the slaying of the officer who looked in his trunk, but he was reprimanded on social media for driving off and running over the dead officer’s leg causing a fracture in the deceased’s femur.
Over 600 sightings of clowns sleeping in cars in South Carolina church parking lots since March has prompted legislators to take action. State lawmakers from both sides have introduced legislation to deny the existence of clowns. On the national scale, United States Representative Trey Gowdy has initiated investigations into Hillary Clinton’s emails in an effort to “get to the bottom of this freaky clown thing.”
Green Bay, Wisconsin has reported so many incidents of clowns sleeping in trunks that people have largely taken to driving pickup trucks, according to authorities. The clowns still sleep in the beds of the trucks sometimes, according to reports, but they do lose the element of surprise, which appears to be the most horrifying part about these rampant clown encounters. Some of the people stabbed by the knife-wielding clowns have said that it’s far worse than just getting spooked, but we have found scant evidence of that so far.
There has been no increase in sales of clown shoes in recent months further startling law enforcement. No arrests have yet been made in what police across the country are calling a scary tragicomic epidemic.
The Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus will be coming shortly to a town near you.