Reno, NV — An employee working in the Panasonic “GigaFactory” division of Tesla motors was escorted off the company premises earlier this week. When foreman Davis Lipton discovered 28-year-old Ira Maiden “testing” several lithium-ion battery banks with his tongue, he thought this was a peculiar, one-off episode. It turns out it wasn’t.
After reading the Sheriff’s report, Lipton and the rest of Telsa management discovered that Mr. Maiden had been regularly tongue-testing batteries since he was hired in 2014. Mr. Maiden claims he’s tested over 800 banks over the past five years.
“Everyone has done that zap with 9-volt batteries like a kid,” said Mr. Lipton, speaking with the press earlier today. “But this is whole ‘nother game Ira had going on. I have no idea how he wasn’t fried into a piece of beef jerky. It would be funny if it weren’t so stupid. Anyhow, he’s gone now.”
According to the police report, Mr. Maiden claimed he “got a kick” out of getting juiced by the Panasonic power banks. While most employees where busy eating lunch, he would sneak into the testing area, and zap his tongue on the terminals of the 85 kWh battery packs.
He also claimed never to have any injuries from his past “tests.”
“We took Mr. Maiden to the hospital in Fernley,” said Lyon County Sheriff Don Daring. “They couldn’t find anything wrong with him. The doctors kept looking at him, but they couldn’t find anything. They said he was lucky to be alive, but he just kept shrugging his shoulders. He’s got some freaky super tongue.”
Elon Musk: Don’t Press Charges
Telsa, under the direct orders of Elon Musk, who learned about the incident later on in the day, decided not to press charges. However, Mr. Maiden was instructed not to return to work. For his part, the young human battery tester was non-plussed.
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” said Mr. Maiden. “I wasn’t hurting no one. I get why Mr. Musk is upset, but still, no harm, no foul, you know? I’ve got this super tongue. And some people like that. Some don’t. I have talent.”
Tesla Motors said it urged people not to test its batteries with body parts. It’s unclear whether the car marker will post warnings on its vehicles warning customers.